Lindsborger News

What I've Learned/Who am I?

2012-01-23T22:53:00.000-06:00

In these past two weeks I’ve learned a great deal about the body’s relationship to the emotions. And to schedules.

First: emotions.

When I came home from the first round of chemo I was pretty beat. I’m being treated with two powerful anti-cancer drugs: ifosamide and adriamycin. Side effects for the ifosamide are the worst. They include destroying the bladder – so you’re given mesna to counteract that. There are also psycho effects. One is psychosis. I asked the doctor about that and he reassured me that I would have to be older and frailer. Good. He promised vivid dreams, and they came.
The night I came home I dreamt a dream of two worlds, one of which was a cartoon version of our world. From that cartoon version of our world I could reach the world behind by paddling a canoe shaped like a shoe. That’s about all I remember of the dream now. At least all that I can articulate that I recall.

The next day I went on an emotional jag. I missed Kris when she went to work and couldn’t wait for her to come home. The kitteh came and sat on me. I cried. I drove the car and thought of Jon and I cried. I put on the gloves my dad wore and thought of him and I cried. I regretted the difficulties I had caused my parents and the physical distance between myself and my children and I cried. Kris came home and I cried.

Of course, all this crying stopped up my sinuses, which gave me a headache I couldn’t control. But I also couldn’t control my emotions. After a few days the kindly Doctor prescribed some Zoloft for the depression and ativan to relax the anxiety and help me sleep. Both are working, though I’m going to stop using them today.

So the extreme of the emotions: that’s due to the chemicals. But the emotions are real. I really do think my kids are something special, and I really do miss them terribly. I really do love my wife as deeply as I have ever loved anything in my life. And I really do regret how difficult I was as a teenager and young adult. I do regret the last several years of my relationship to my mom – she gave up and turned to the wall and waited to die.

This does put me in mind of being drunk or high. I’ve dealt with many emotional drunks, some of whom loved Jesus very deeply and just wanted a little more money to be a little more drunk.
So, how do we relate our emotions to our self?

They seem to be composed of chemicals and situation. Mostly chemicals. And the chemicals seem to be in charge of the self.

The chemicals also seem to be in charge of the body’s physicality.

The poet Delmore Schwartz called this physicality a “heavy bear.” In his poem “the heavy bear who goes with me,” he names the body “a caricature, a swollen shadow,/A stupid clown of the spirit’s motive, . . .” A body undergoing chemo therapy becomes “a stupid clown . . .”

I can no longer predict where and how I’ll need a bathroom. That’s the biggest inconvenience and/or “swollen shadow” of my former life. But I also can’t predict how much I’ll be able to eat when I’m hungry. I can’t taste water and like it. I can’t tell when I’ll fall asleep and when I’ll stay awake – unless I add some chemical to make me sleepy. I’ve also become an insomniac. And then I’m ready to nap in the middle of the afternoon.

What this has all got me thinking about is the “real me.” Which is the real me? The chemically controlled heavy bear? (Schwartz wanted to separate himself from that heavy bear.) The emotion laden weeping husband? Or is there a me that perdures inside the heavy bear and/or weeping husband?

Around the World in 80 Days

2012-01-22T16:43:00.001-06:00

Turner’s playing “Around the World in 80 Days.” The money Todd spent to produce this film was prodigious – and silly. It’s an incredibly bad film, even as a representation of the late Empire novels of Verne. Every movie stereotype is hauled off. The British male is punctual and reserved. The English educated rajani is actually a beautiful white girl (a very young Shirley MacLaine). The little Mexican saves the day, comically – but always costs the punctilious Brit time and effort.

It’s entirely too silly, even for 1956. But I remember fondly going to a second run movie theatre in the late 50’s it must have been, to see it on a wide screen. Ruth brought the popcorn and we were all happy. I think I thought it was a great movie then.

Waiting I'm Hating

2012-01-13T13:11:00.000-06:00

I don't mean to be a hater, but I'm sitting in my room, my home away from home, waiting for the surgeon to come and install my triple threat three spout line. Then we can get to the business of getting the first dose of chemo.

While I'm waiting I'm letting my anxiety rise. You can see it in my bp. When I left the hospital last Saturday my blood pressure was around 140/90. High, but not so far off normal. This morning, when I checked in with Dr. Beck it was 146/94. About 15 minutes later, when I got to the room it was 151/106.

I'm waiting, making myself crazy, imagining all sorts of problems.

I'm going to get two cancer drugs. One gets induced slowly, over 72 hours. The other I get in a three hour induction four times in the four days I'm here.

I sure would like to get this started so I can quit being anxious. I didn't even know I was anxious, but I clearly am.

BTW, Salina Hospital is a lot more bureaucratic than Lindsborg. Boy did they get my medical history.

Well. I've got one book to read, my laptop. and a wireless connection. I've got espn and news channels. I should be fine. But I'm waiting and I'm hating waiting.

What is Long Term?

2012-01-12T21:30:00.002-06:00

Felix Salmon of Reuters just talked about private equity. Apparently private equity counts five years as long term. Who knew.

The List

2012-01-12T21:28:00.000-06:00

All Hail the power of the list.

In the beginning of the week was the list. And without the list was not anything done. But with the list were all things done that were done.

And lo the list was good!

Going to the hospital tomorrow with everything on my list crossed off.

No Pants

2012-01-12T14:58:00.000-06:00

Just watched No Pants Subway Ride, 2012 edition.
First: it isn’t sexual. This video reminds us that most underwear is strictly utilitarian. I think it was Lawrence Fehrlingetti who told us “Even the pope wears underwear, I hope.”
Second: This is the 11th No Pants Subway ride. Some of the novelty and almost all of the shock value has worn away.

Where I've Worked

2012-01-09T23:42:00.000-06:00

A few days ago I listed all the places I've lived. In my last post I claimed to have worked for a dozen employers. In this post I'm going to try to remember everyone who's employed me.

I started as an underaged janitor in my church. The Pastor paid me directly.
Then I went to work for Ambassador Paints, delivering paint driving a 1958 Ford Galaxie.
Then I worked for a Nazi upholsterer. Seriously. He had lots of Jewish customers, whom he hated. I heard him say, many times, "Sometimes I think Hitler was right." He's dead now.
Briefly I worked for a company that serviced coin operated machinery.
During my senior year in High School I worked for a television repair shop next door to Wrigley Field. We dumped busted televisions under the L tracks.

Off to college.
During the summers I worked for my cousin in Louis K. Walter Soil Testing services.
During the year I worked on campus as, student worker in the English Department; photographer for the yearbook; editor of the campus paper.

Off to Seminary.
I worked in an early version of a big box discount department store, in the sports department. We sold guns and ammo. I was a union member, but didn't like it because I didn't have a vote for shop steward (I was only part time). That was my first seminary year. No preaching yet.
During my second and fourth years I got a bunch of work supply preaching. I didn't hold down another job.
I was an Intern in Winston-Salem, NC, at Augsburg Lutheran Church.

After seminary I served the church --
Holy Cross, Charleston Heights, SC
Trinity, Georgetown, SC
Our Savior, Memphis, TN

Then I went to graduate school at Memphis State. The first year I worked in the office of Religious Affairs and Orientation. The second year I worked in the department of Communication, Theatre Arts and Dance as the lighting assistant for the dance program.

I also supplied all over the Memphis area, just trying to make ends meet.

Then to Minnesota to continue grad school. I worked for three years with the department, editing the alumni newsletter that no longer exists. Two summers I was "Captain" of the Minnesota Centennial Showboat. It also no longer exists. Getting a thematic element here? The boat burnt to the waterline just a few years after I served.

Again, I supplemented income by doing supply preaching. When I completed all the coursework and finished preliminary exams I went to work for one of the temporary agencies and spent happy weeks out in Plymouth, MN, working in the offices of a major corporation whose name I don't remember.

The fall of 1991 I went back to Chicago, moved in with my parents to try and help my Dad in the last year of his life. After he passed I went back to temp work, working for corporations like FMC and Contemporary Greetings. The last was ready to offer me permanent work. Maybe I should have taken it.

June of 1992 I wed my beloved Kristine and we moved to Chicago together. By the fall I was back working for the church, this time
Unity Lutheran, Magnolia and Balmoral. That was good for five years.

Then, after a sad and painful separation from the church (for which the Bishop maintained I had as much responsibility as the church council), I was unemployed/self-employed for six months. Christmas of 1997 I went to work for Wikstrom's Deli (formerly Schott's). By January I went to work for the Swedish American Museum Center. I also did adverts for a couple of real estate agents and a newsletter for one more.

Then it was two years at St. Olaf -- director of Forensics and assistant Professor of Communication. Then three years in Sterling, Kansas doing the same thing. finally 8 years here at Bethany College. No director of Forensics - thankfully.

This is where I'll stay until retirement.

I Like to Fire 'Em

2012-01-09T22:59:00.000-06:00

Much is being made about Mitt Romney's "I like to fire 'em" line. Some commentators have noted just how lame handed that line is. Others have gone on to insist that we not twist Romney's words, that he was not speaking of personal joy in firing workers at one of the companies Bain was downsizing or closing.

I agree that we shouldn't twist Romney's words and that he was, indeed, speaking of getting rid of the insurance company that wasn't serving my needs. What that demonstrates is that Romney isn't very sophisticated about the connotations of his words, but he also has no clue about how ordinary Americans buy their health insurance.

In my fifty years of work I've been employed by maybe a dozen employers. But let me focus on just the employment by the church, the inter-regnum between church and college, and employment by a series of colleges.

When I was Pastor of LCA and ELCA churches my health insurance, and my family's coverage was provided by the church. The church was self-insuring through the Board of Pensions. From 1975 to 1997 I was covered by the board of pensions. The coverage got worse and the price went higher, but if I was going to participate in the pension plan I had to participate in the insurance plan. I was told, when I asked, that this was due to government regulation. Don't know how or why, but that's what I was told. I did not have a choice to "fire" my insurance company and "hire" another.

Between 1997 and 1999 I did freelance work, worked for a deli, and finally worked for the Swedish American Museum. I was offered Cobra for health coverage when I left the church, but I could not afford it. Kris' employer picked up her health insurance. But I was uninsured because I couldn't afford it.

When I went to work for St. Olaf I was offered health insurance as part of my pay package. I knew that I needed to take it, no matter how bad the insurance was, because it was better than what I could afford otherwise.

Since moving to Kansas I've been covered through the ACCK. The coverage has been, surprisingly good, particularly since I got sick and used up my coinsurance and deductible. Once a year I get to reup and pick up any other insurance products. I can opt out of the program if I opt into another program. I can't just hot have insurance coverage. And I can't drop out and change my company in the middle of the year.

I can't fire my insurance company now because I have a pre-existing condition, and until "Obamacare" is fully enacted, I can be turned down for coverage.

What does Mitt want? He wants me to be exposed to the vagaries of the marketplace where I can now be turned down for coverage (as my friend Mark already is, as my friend Deb struggles with). He somehow believes that insurance is chump change and I can easily take my insurance dollar down the block -- let's see, my employer pays 2/3 of the premium -- and how do I make that up?

The offensive thing about Romney's fire you insurance company line isn't that he used the word "fire." It's that he has no idea how people get their health insurance or how they pay for it.

Migraines Medication and Emotion

2012-01-07T13:51:00.000-06:00

Just back from two lost days. Thursday I spent with flu like symptoms and thrashing about and trying every chair, sofa, bed in the house.

The flu triggered a migraine, the first migraine I'd had in years. The last one was when we still lived in the Opat house in the far corner of town. That one was ended with a strong shot of some sedative. But I hadn't been doing the things that lead to dehydration. This time I was severely dehydrated as well as in intense pain.

We are so fortunate in our little town to have an excellent little hospital to care for exactly these kinds of problems. We went into emergency room on Thursday evening and Dr. Loder got me started with rehydration and pain relief. We finally got the pain under control on late Friday night.

By Saturday morning I was ready to go home. The thing about my migraines is that they are triggered by smells. Even when migraine free I have to avoid the laundry detergent aisles at Target and our local grocery store. So, by Saturday morning I was at the point of saying, “Everything in this hospital smells.” (I also got home and opened the fridge and smelt a dish going moldy that Kris hadn't noticed). Everyone who works in the hospital wants to smell nice, so they wear deodorant. Everyone has to keep themselves germ free, so they use, in every room, hand sanitizer. There's soap and laundry detergent smells. I couldn't escape from the smell. Every smell was a little spike in the pain that remained.

I got home. It's pretty well smell free – or the smells are so familiar that they don't bother. Kris had put together all the stuff I'd thrashed apart and told me I hadn't done as much damage as I thought I had. Bless her for that. It was so good to have the house looking so nice.

I ended up bawling. I cried about and lamented how old and sick and vulnerable I felt. I'm still liable to start crying over minor things. I'm hugging the stuffed Krismutt I threw to the floor in my thrashing.

That leaves me wondering about the relationship between chemicals and emotions. I know that there are studies showing that there are relationships, but I'm not enough of a scholar to know what they are. I suspect that the extreme nature of today's emotions has to do with the drugs I've been taking and the illnesses I'm going thru. I'm glad to feel the feelings I've got, but I need to remember that some of them are medicine driven.

And I need to allow the lost days to be lost. I'm not going to get back either of them. Hopefully the coming chemo won't cost me too many more lost days in the first six months of 2012.

Guess I'm well on the way to meeting my deductible for 2012. Wonder what these two days in our local shop is going to cost.

This journey is taking twists and turns I'd never expected. I guess that's what life gives you – rarely a direct route from start to finish.

Oh the Places I've Gone

2012-01-03T21:44:00.002-06:00

Thomas Michael Corrigan and I are “old friends.” We were friends at Albert G. Lane Tech High School, both graduating in 1967. We then both went to Augustana College, Rock Island (the real Augustana), along with John Greenwood and his brothers Don and Ron. All Lane Tech Graduates in the era when it meant something to go to Lane Tech. (It meant you did swim class naked and cold. In the Lane Tech pool all men were created equal.)

After we all graduated from Augustana in 1971 we went our separate ways. Tom's asked that I tell a little of my story – since he doesn't know the curving and complicated path my life took after graduation. Here's just the geography from Rock Island to Lindsborg, Kansas.

From Rock Island to Springfield, Ohio. From Springfield back for a summer in Chicago and then to Columbia, South Carolina. Thence to Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Then back to Columbia. From there it was Charleston Heights, South Carolina, followed by Georgetown, South Carolina. Then it was off to Whitehaven (originally a suburb of Memphis and just down the road from Graceland, Graceland, Graceland, Memphis, TN). Then into the city of Memphis. From Memphis to Minneapolis, first just off 42nd Street in South Minneapolis, and then around 21st, just north of Lake Street. From there it was a move to Chicago, with a new wife and no children (the children were in Aurora, IL). Two different locations in Chicago – Magnolia and Balmoral and 1200 block of Chase Street. Then to South Saint Paul. Next Northfield, MN. Then Sterling, Kansas. Finally, eight years ago I got smart. In the move to Lindsborg I rented a Post Office Box so that when I moved in town my relatives in Sweden wouldn't have to update their mailing lists ever again!

Next time I'll fill in a few of the details of what I did in all those places.

Treatment Ahead!

2012-01-03T21:10:00.002-06:00

January 3 is a day I'll not soon forget. I met today with the oncologist and I am not happy with the outcome of that meeting.

Doctor Beck advised that we take as our plan A injections of ifosfamide & adriamycin; with additional injection of mesna to avoid hemorrhagic cystitis. If you google the two main drugs you see that they are pretty strong drugs with strong side effects. Because of the side effects and the need to feed the adriamycin and mesna in gradually, I'll be hospitalized for each of the treatments, from 3 to 5 days, 4 to 6 times in the coming year.

I'm not at all happy about the potential side effects nor about the severe disruption of the spring. I realize that dying is a worse disruption, and doing this treatment gives we an excellent chance of survival. But I had hoped that the treatment would be relatively non-disruptive. In fact, in my head I saw me teaching the spring term and directing the Messiah show with no disruption to the schedule at all.

This sucks.

I am going to get through this, I am going to kick cancer's butt, but I just have to tell you here and now, this sucks and I am not at all looking forward to the treatments and losing twenty days to the treatments. I am fearful of the likely side effects – one of the ifosfamide is nuttiness, fatigue, confusion and an inability to concentrate. Just what I need! The adriamycin does nasty things if it gets into a muscle. I'm promised a catheter so that we don't get the adriamycin in a muscle or cause heart problems.

Sucks, sucks, sucks.

Maybe worse than the surgery – although I have to tell you I was pretty scared of the surgery for some weeks. I was convinced that the left leg would be terribly deformed when the surgery was done. It isn't and I'm not. In fact recovery from the surgery is going great. I'm actually able to get around without a crutch or a cane and I'm taking pain meds every 8 to 12 hours rather than every 4 hours. My next step is to reduce the pain meds to either nsaids or tylenol. I hope I can get there by next week.

So, two steps forward three steps back. January 13 I'll check into Salina Regional for the first treatment. Then it's every 4 weeks if I tolerate the treatment reasonably well, from January to June.

Did I mention that I think this sucks.

The PET scan came back clear. The blood work is looking good – even the anemia is improving. But I have to do this. I increase my odds of beating cancer if I do. I know I have to do this. But it sucks.

When Does Education End?

2012-01-02T21:41:00.000-06:00

There's a long running ad for Keller Graduate School of Management, a division of DeVry Institute, which is a division of I.T.T., or some similar diploma mill.

I like the fact that all the students shown in this ad are non-trads. I like the fact that it isn't easy, you can do this in your pajamas.

What I object to is that it portrays graduate education as something that, when you've completed it, you're done with the whole process of scholarship. One of the lines is “here's to the 'I'll sleep when it's done. . .'” The implication is that whatever it is you're learning, there is a terminal point, a time when you're “done.”

I finished my degree work in 90, the dissertation in 96 and I'm still not done. If I only get to sleep after it's done, I'm not going to get to sleep. Learning doesn't stop. I'm counting on that to keep me young after retirement.

Wonder Why

2012-01-01T22:27:00.000-06:00

I wonder about my motivation for many of the things I do - and I am interested in motives and motivations.

One of the big mysteries -- I really dislike the Denver Broncos and the Dallas Cowboys. I always have. I disliked the Broncos under Elway. I disliked the Cowboys when Staubach was the quarterback and I never like Landry.

Why?

Don't know. But I am glad to see the Giants emerging victorious on this last day of the regular season. But I'm rooting for the Packers to repeat so I don't want the Giants to be too good. Why the Packers? They're from our division and the Bears, while not sucking like the Vikings, didn't have the best season. Without Cutler they were pretty mediocre. The Vikings, on the other hand, just stunk. The Lions were the wild card and I could root for them to go all the way, though they don't have the talent. I am a fan of the black and blue division.

Maybe that's why I don't like the D's.

Aging and Believing

2012-01-01T20:18:00.002-06:00

Being the ex-preacher it's difficult for me to go to worship, encounter a nice juicy Sunday morning text and not think about how I'd treat the text homeletically.

This morning we had the texts of Simeon and Anna and their encounter with baby Jesus in the temple. What a chance to talk to a group of aging baby boomers about what happens to faith as we age. I'll bet there's even some empirical data about the effects of age on belief structures, trust, and relationships. I certainly got to thinking about those things as I read through the texts for the morning.

Here are two elderly people who are not entirely conventional in their belief systems to begin with. One is waiting for the “consolation of Israel.” The other has been in the Temple praying and fasting and who knows what else since she was a young widow. Anna, it seems, may have been at the temple day and night for sixty, seventy years. These are not normally religious people who come for the holy days and the rest of the time slip in an occasional prayer or a thought about god and gods and eternal life and messiahs and what might be about to happen. These are seriously religious people – devout is the word Luke uses.

What happens to our faith as we age?

Over the years I've seen a variety of interactions between faith and aging, though I'd reduce them to two extremes (of course there's lots of middle ground too).

Hazel became adventurous as she aged – until she reached the point at which she'd lost most of her sight, all of her hearing and much of her sense of self. But up to then she was willing to trust that her life was in the hands of the divine. She came to accept the gay men around her, the church as a center for performing arts. She walked to church, no matter the weather, trusting that her way would be kept safe – or at least that the objective was worth the effort.

Ruth was the opposite. She'd lost a husband to a particularly nasty kind of cancer, and the cancer was probably a result of his work in NASA. The government denied that there was any possible connection between the radiation to which he'd been exposed and the cancer he developed. That double betrayal led Ruth, as she aged, to become more enamored of the pious platitudes. Anger will do that if you can't or won't face it.

The two extremes – new trust in new truthes and clinging to old pieties – both are possible reactions to the world as we age. We boomers (neither Hazel nor Ruth were baby boomers) have the possibility of getting this final action right and learning to trust that there is something yet to come, something yet to be revealed that may be the consolation of Israel – or the world – or we can begrudge the future for not being like the past.

Which, I wonder, will be do? Boomers are being blamed for much that's happened to the world. Could we maybe get this one right? I hope so.

Paying the Doctor

2011-12-30T18:11:00.002-06:00

I've been working on getting the medical receipts in order in preparation for taxes.

The total of the insurance claims I've got – which should be most of the claims for the year – are a little over $100,000. The insurance company paid less than half the charges, writing off much of the hospital bill (nearly half the cost) and much of the diagnostic testing. My share was $2500 plus my copays for drugs and doctor visits. And the non-prescription items that I purchased to make like easier.

I realized, looking at the bills, just how lucky how I am to have insurance. If I did not have insurance my indebtedness would not be the $40,000 that the insurance company paid, but the larger $100,000 that the doctors billed. Insurance not only pays the bills, but also negotiates the prices. Those who don't have an insurance company on their side – and I'm looking at several of you my friends – aren't just forced to pay the bills themselves, they're forced to pay the higher bills.

Is that fair? If you don't have enough to pay insurance premiums, where are you going to find the money to pay the full Doctor bills? Your only choice is Medical Bankruptcy. And the individual's inability to pay means that we all have to pay.

Manswers

2011-12-29T23:11:00.000-06:00

Ok, I know this is a function of watching really bad TV, but right at this moment I am watching Manswers.

One of their features, coming in just a few minutes, is the search for large breasts. That obsession with women's mammaries isn't new, but it certainly is becoming more prominent in this era of artificial enhancement.

The British comic Terry Thomas did a routine about the American males' obsession with breasts. I don't remember his exact words, but it doesn't take a strict Freudian to locate the obsession in a kind of immaturity and a desire to continue infantile relationship with a mother.

I just don't get it. But I don't understand the obsession with a "chiseled and defined upper body" or "a six pack ab" either. That male body obsession seems to me have little to do with a concern for health, but is a kind of narcissism.

Oh, I guess there's lots of contemporary culture I don't get. Not judging, just don't understand it.

Another Stupid Commercial

2011-12-27T10:37:00.002-06:00

A few posts ago I questioned the wisdom of the Best Buy commercials in which young women competed with Santa.

The other set of commercials I think unwise are the wireless commercials for the 4G network that turns everyone into a constantly smartphoning dick.

Maybe you've seen them – I've seen two variations on the commercial. In one the tailgaters are way ahead of everyone else and aren't afraid to tell them how behind they are: the holder of the 4G phone has already purchased the tickets, wrapped the running back's ankle, have the opposing team's mascot digging through the tailgate snacks, etc. To every “Did you know,” the duo with the 4G phones responds with condescension. The worst is the response to the technologically challenged middle-aged man who wants to post videos to facebook. They have, mockingly, already posted him asking about posting to facebook.

The other 4G commercial features two young women in the company lunchroom. They're focused on their phones and as people come to check out the latest rumors they proudly announce that they already knew all about it - “that's so twelve seconds ago.” The young women are very sweet and kind to the supervisor who just got a promotion and to the coworker who is leaving. But they're brutally condescending to their co-workers.

The message the phone company seems to want to send is that having 4G will keep you amusingly ahead of the curve. The message that it actually sends is that having 4G turns you into a dick.

Pop Shooting Stars

2011-12-26T09:44:00.002-06:00

How quickly fads and fashions change.

Listening to Celtic Christmas, Volume 1 this morning. Yes, I am still listening to Christmas music. In fact, we just began listening to Christmas music at home. The twelve days of Christmas begin on Christmas day – not end, retailers!

Anyway, I'm listening to Celtic Christmas and realize, “The All Things Celtic” phase of popular culture has faded. Yes PBS is still going to carry Celtic Women specials to raise funds. Yes, there will still be some things Celtic at Target. But we went thru a Celtic Mania just two years ago (or maybe it was three). Just a short time ago. If you were not Celtic you were trash!

Now.

It's over. Popular culture is fickle, always looking for the next big thing. The one hit wonders come and go. Popular artists rise and fall. It takes only the blink of an eye for an artist to go from “you oughta know” to judge on some singing contest or other (I'm looking at you Sara Bareilles.) One minute you're refusing to be brought down, looking hot in your retro '40s slip – the next you're a MILF coaching up and coming pop stars.

It's always been quick, this rise and fall of pop icons. But the pace seems to be picking up.

Two weeks ago ESPN was the all Tebow network. Chris Carter was the lone voice raised in protest against the “he's not orthodox, all he does is win” meme that dominated talk about Tebow and thus talk on the network for the six week run when the Broncos beat mediocre to bad teams. Then came the Patriots and the Tebow mystique could not hold. Now it's a second loss and Tebow barely rates a mention Sports Center. Tebow wasn't just a sports icon, he was a pop icon – pushing sports drink along with tractor tires. I wonder if his sports drink ad is going to be canceled this week.

Pop icons. They last six weeks? Two weeks? As long as a Republican Presidential Candidate not names Romney? At any rate not long at all. So what does this say for those of us who are interested in “timeless truth” and pop culture?

I guess it says we shouldn't look to pop culture for anything like truth. And maybe it says that “Progress devours its children,” (the title of a lecture I heard in seminary from the German theologian Helmut Thielicke) or better “Pop Culture devours its children.” Or maybe it says, “You're old, don't try to keep up, the pace will kill you.”

Is there anything new to say?

2011-12-25T17:24:00.000-06:00

As a preacher I've always found the big holidays big challenges.

What can the preacher say that hasn't been said a million times before? Or at least something that will awaken modern hearts and minds to the miracle of the event? This is pertinent today since I heard a noble attempt on Christmas morning. It was a noble attempt to give a new perspective on the event of the Nativity. It was noble, but didn't quite make it because it ultimately fell back on pious platitude.

You can try to do a first person narrative - a shepherd, or one of the donkeys, or one of the wise men. T. S. Eliot did that in his poem The Journey of the Magi. That poem has always moved me, though I admit that I don't half understand it, any more than I understand Yeats - who also moves me deeply. The problem with the first person narrative I heard this morning was that it was, finally, predictable. The character was Caesar Augustus - an interesting choice. But the outcome wasn't a new perspective on the relationship between Empire and Faith. The Emperor sees the triumph of the Crucified and regrets that he wasn't closer to the divine love revealed in the man from Nazareth.

Another approach is the approach by characters who've been affected by the Jesus story. For me there are three stories that move me at Christmas. First is a story from Tove Jansson, the Finnish Swedish author and poet. Her story "Gran" or Christmas Tree tells the story of Mumintroll's first Christmas. (The Mumin family hibernate through the winter.) At this first Christmas the Mumin family gather all the items you need for a Happy Christmas, but they gather them because they think that Christmas is a horrible monster who must be appeased. In the end they give away all the gifts, decorations and food to the lowliest of the little creatures of Mumin Valley.

The second story is The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. At the end of that story one of the Herdmanns proclaims the Angelic message - "Hey You! Unto You A Child is Born!" as if it were the greatest news. Then the Herdmanns gave back the Christmas Ham and wandered off in tears, slightly dazed by what had happened.

The third story that moves me is Truman Capote's A Christmas Memory. The 1966 made for TV movie is on youtube for the time being. It's in 6 parts. This link takes you to part 1. The story is the story of a half crazy old lady and her little nephew, gathering the ingredients to make Christmas fruitcake. Capote captures the mystery of commitment to a cause that makes no sense.

Maybe for the ancient religious holidays to make new sense you have to see them as if you were one of the poor little ones who have nothing - or one of the bad kids who is suddenly thrust into unexpected and unwanted territory as an angel - or a crazy old lady and her simple assistant. Maybe that's what I miss when I try too hard to find something new to say about this antique belief.

Bread for Jesus

2011-12-25T10:34:00.000-06:00

Two days ago I was buying bread at our local bread outlet. The men ahead greeted the clerk with a cheerful "Merry Christmas." The clerk responded with a likewise cheery "Happy Holidays."

The nosy woman standing next in line congratulated the previous customer on being politically correct. While she didn't say anything she implied that the "Merry Christmas" was a superior greeting and the man had, of course, been greeting as he had in order to combat that secularist war on Christmas. It was enough to make me want to step up and say, "I'm Jewish! Happy Channukah!" I didn't. I didn't say anything.

Then I went to Target and heard happy shoppers greet one another with "Merry Christmas." I realized that more important than the verbals - the words used - was the non-verbal, the tone with which the greeting was issued. A hearty and heartfelt greeting.

It starts with a smiling labial - Mmm in the merrry. A rising inflection, but only so slightly rising, not enuf to make it a question. Or a nice rounded Ha. Lots of breath behind it, like a ha-ha. Again a slight rising inflection in that first word.

Then the Kri (that should be a schwa, but I can't find it in the character sets), kind of flat, followed by a sharp, but not hissing st and ending with a nice open mas - but without stress on the mas. I won't even try to describe the "Holidays."

The point is: THERE IS NO WAR ON CHRISTMAS AND YOU PEOPLE WHO ARE INSISTING THAT THERE IS ARE SPOILING THE CHEER THAT REST OF US WANT TO SHARE.

Thus, my campaign. I'm not going to wish Marry Christmas, not going to say "Happy Holidays." From here on out its "God jul och gott nytt år!" Bite me Bill O'Reilly

Gingrich and Perry Fail

2011-12-24T16:12:00.001-06:00

Just saw CNN's report on Gingrich and Perry not getting on the ballot.

The commentators speculate about amateurism as the reason they didn't make it, and arrogance as a possibility. It seems to me that amateurism may be the reason for Perry missing the boat, but Gingrich is another case.

I don't think that Newt expected to do well in the primary season. I don't think he got into the race to win the race, but to sell books and DVDs and speeches. After all, that's what made him a very rich man.

I think Gingrich was as surprised as anyone that he was the frontrunner. Then the arrogance kicked in. But the hard work - that's something Gingrich has failed to do ever since he was speaker. He just expects that his half baked and decidedly less than logical ideas should carry the day without his actually having to work at building coalitions or doing what the pundits call "retail politicing."

He's a blowhard who can't do actual work. I doubt he even outlines his books before he spews them out. He certainly can't be doing much in the way of serious research, given the ungodly number of texts he's produced. And this shows just how ill organized and poorly thought out the whole campaign is. He excuses it by alluding to Thatcher and Reagan and claiming that it's because he's an unconventional politician. No, it's because he's a jerk.

UPDATE

Of course, Newt is now contending the the problem is the system. It isn't that Newt is disorganized in Virginia and lacks the structure necessary to perform the requirements of the law - it's the law that is faulty. I love the way conservative Republicans want everyone except them to take responsibility for their actions or inactions.

What Has Happened to Me?

2011-12-23T17:31:00.000-06:00

Here I am, watching another episode of PTI - Pardon the Interruption. A year ago I watched this show on an irregular basis, primarily because Kornheiser goes off like a good New Yorker should and Wilbon is a loyal Chicagoan - even if he lives in Arizona or where ever. The interaction of these two guys is good TV.

But I'm starting to care about sports. There are lots of good reasons to care about sports - it is probably the largest industry in America and the collegiate end of the sports - particularly football is seriously screwed up. Labor issues are kept alive by the players unions. Despite those issues, and the social issues involved in sport (I credit much of the improvement in race relations and the positive future I see coming from the integration of sport and the meritocracy that is true of amateur sport), I am surprised at my interest in sports and the outcome of sports.

I caught myself opining that Beltran would be a good replacement for Pujols - and agreeing with Wilbon that the Cards real loss is the loss of a Hall of Fame manager. Then I thought - what the heck do I actually know about this? I know more about sport than I do about contemporary music, which is a radical shift from where I was in my pop culture knowledge two years ago.

Why? Partly because of the recovery. ESPN is reliable all night long. No paid programming. Repeats of Sports Center do not require attention like a movie - say one of the Thin Man movies. I can have it on and fall asleep and wake up and more than likely I'll be right where I dozed off.

There is another reason to pay some attention My communication majors have connection to sports. Of the fifteen majors thirteen are members of a college team or have been members of a college team or are deeply committed to sport. Football, baseball, basketball, and soccer are all part of the department's life. I'm getting more deeply interested in sport because the majors are deeply committed to sport. They have changed me. And I am glad to note that.

Christmas Poetry

2011-12-23T11:05:00.000-06:00

For some reason I felt a need to find some Christmas poetry last night. I thought that the Swedes might provide, so I worked my way through Nils Ferlin (not a terribly religious poet), Tomas Transströmer and Gustaf Fröding. All great poets and there were great poems. But no Christmas poems. There is the classic Rydberg: Glans över sjö och strand. Beautiful. But actually typical of 19th century orthodoxy.

I wanted something that wasn't the orthodox piety of the 19th century, nor the Pietism of Lina Sandell. I wanted a poem that both moved my heart and made me think.

The poem I found is actually a hymn: Richard Wilbur's "A Stable Lamp is Lighted." Looking thru Youtube I found - to my great surprise - that the text has been set to a number of tunes. This one is a folkie tune, so it's one I like.

I didn't find the tune that I first learned when I was in seminary. I like that version a great deal, probably because it is the first version I learned.

What I like about the Wilbur text is that it draws my mind to the simplicity of the event and its far reaching consequences. How simple and how unnoticed. Is that the way that the great changes of our lives and of our world actually take place? Not among the big and noble and noticed, but among the little and lowly?

I like to think that it is. I like to hope that it is. Because that means that it is possible, even probable, that somewhere out of sight the seeds of our salvation as a race has already been born. My role then is to watch and wait and hope and keep my cynicism in check. The first three are difficult. The fourth may be close to impossible.

America's Team

2011-12-22T10:37:00.000-06:00

Notice on Sports Center this morning that Dallas Cowboys are "no longer" "America's Team." Apparently they've been replaced by the Green Bay Packers.

I find this whole thing a little confusing. This change in our "national team" came because Public Policy Polling surveyed the country, offering nine choices for "America's Team." The Packers got a 22% positive rating. The Cowboys came in second at 11%. But the Cowboys are also America's most hated team at 22%.

This is ridiculous.

First, it's ridiculous to call anyone other than the lovable loser Cubs "America's Team." Second, 22% makes you most loved or most hated? And you don't even get to choose any of all the teams in a particular sport?

The whole idea of having a team that everyone in America prefers is non-sense. It's a waste of survey time. And declaring that 22% preference makes you "America's Team" makes the survey company a joke. That's the percentage that Romney is polling, and he's not even the Republican's choice, much less America's choice.

I never bought the idea that the Cowboys were "America's Team." I found them arrogant, artificially pious, sanctimonious and self-righteous back in the Tom Landry days. Since then I've just found them to be Texan and therefore abhorrent. Tebow Denver seems to be matching the Landry Cowboys for supercilious piety. So I don't have to change my preferences. I'm still ABD - but the D now covers two teams rather than one.

I'm pulling for Green Bay this year. The Vikings suck (as usual) and the Bears are iffy. I like the Lions being back on a playoff path. But Green Bay and Aaron Rogers are the winners in my division, the black and blue division, so I'm rooting for them even though they are going to dismantle the Bears this week. Next year I'll root for my hometeam and revile the Packers. But that's next year.

I don't need my favorite team to be "America's Team." From the actual survey results it looks like the majority of American's don't either.

Year End Gifting

2011-12-20T21:28:00.000-06:00

It's the end of the year and we're being inundated with year end begs from all the charities to which I have ever given any money.

But it's been a rough year for us financially. We lost about 1/3 of Kris' income, in addition to my illness - which has cost us $2500 we hadn't planned on spending (and a bit more, that's just deductible and the part of payment I share with the insurance company. I also have the copays for the doctor visits and for the medication).

Thus, our charitable giving has had to shrink a bit. We've held off on a number of organizations to which we have belonged, even some we've belonged to for years. We keep up on Greenpeace, and sometime early next year we'll probably rejoin Habitat for Humanity. We are still members of the Swedish American Historical Society, but we've dropped the Swedish American Museum in Chicago.

It's just the way it goes.

Tonight I loaded Open Office's office suite on a PC, and I stopped for a moment when asked for a donation. The folks who've developed the Open office suite of tools aren't particularly pushy about the donations. If you don't give you still get. Everyone can use the software, and since it is an open platform everyone can contribute to the code (if you know how to do it - which I don't.) I stopped for a moment and then I gave.

It was a small donation, especially considering all the use I have for this software. I've loaded it on to every PC and every Mac under my control. So a small donation for six suites of software, that's not major sacrifice for me and it makes me feel good about myself. I've given back.

Before the end of the year I hope we can make additional donations to our church. As I said, I want to make sure we give to Habitat and Greenpeace. Maybe one or two more charities.

With money being tight, I wonder where my friends are going to give at this year end feel good charitable giving time of the year.

Let's Get Santa

2011-12-20T19:07:00.000-06:00

Best Buy has been running a series of commercials (sorry I'm watching too much television while recuping) in which a young mother takes on Santa Claus.

Is this really a good idea?

First, it makes Christmas giving into a competitive event. Admittedly, it makes it a women against men competitive event, with the women winning. That part probably is good, given the third or fourth wave feminist attitudes I see in the young women I teach.

But these women don't just win, they win in ways that allow them to gloat. One relegates Santa to giving toys to the dog. A second Ims Santa to the phones on the tree – to which Santa, like a defeated bf responds, “Very mature.” The third meets Santa on the housetop and topples a plastic elf onto the lawn in a sort of “watch out fat-man or you're next” threat.

OK, so maybe this is empowering. I don't know. I'm not a young woman (in case you haven't noticed). But this is Santa Claus. For much of his life he's imaged without a woman. The whole Mrs. Claus thing is just a cover to give the elves some breathing room. This is Santa, the jolly fat celibate who sneaks into your house to bring toys and jollies and eat cookies. This is a beloved, if somewhat weird, elder statesman of the holiday season. Is it really a good idea to humiliate Santa? Does that really make you see powerful – or just petty?

My vote is for the latter choice. I don't like the Best Buy commercials. They certainly haven't made me want to shop at Best Buy. I don't have a thousand dollars to blow on Android Powered Smart Phones for the whole family. In fact, the only way my family is going to get that technology is if Santa delivers them. But then, I'm not – as I've already said – a young woman looking for empowering experiences by humiliating Saint Nick.

What's With All the Posts?

2011-12-19T21:44:00.000-06:00

I've been posting regularly these days. What's up with that?

I think its because I'm well enough to think and I need to keep doing things before January when I get busy writing syllabuses and doing research for new classes and directing energy in school tracks. In the meantime I can explore and think and complain and write about whatever I want to write about. It's a blessing that has unlocked a whole lot of energy. I'm even rewriting my essay on Greta G. for publication (hopefully) with a Swedish American publication.

Broncos Lose to a Good Team

2011-12-19T21:35:00.000-06:00

Stefan Fatsis has an amazing commentary on the Pat's destruction of the Broncos and Tim Tebow over on Slate. As several other commentators have pointed out, the Patriots were the first team with a winning record in quite some time - and the last team to have a winning record was the always unreliable Jets. Fatsis' peroration deserves a reprint:

Unlike other miked-up quarterbacks, we don’t see Tebow analyzing photos from the All 22 cameras or suggesting to a coach or teammate how to exploit a weakness he’s detected in the defense. With Tebow, it’s prayers and bromides, the NFL as produced by the Christian Broadcasting Network. That’s just edited video, of course, and none of us knows what’s happening in the Broncos’ locker room or quarterbacks' meetings, or on the sidelines. Still, the rational among us were reminded on Sunday that, regardless of what if any god you pray to, a very good NFL team with an exceptional veteran quarterback will usually beat a decent team with a quirky inexperienced one.

I didn't know that Tebow was ever all miked up – so I didn't hear those bromides and prayers. It is, I'm afraid what too many Christians have to offer too often: bromides and prayers. I wish I could hear sermons that weren't filled with bromides and platitudes. I wish the prayers of the people cold capture the hearts of the people. Unfortunately, in life these days, under the leadership of the fundagelical wing of Christianity all there is to offer is bromide, platitudes and “just make my heart just wait upon thee my Jesus” prayers.

Bad enough that it's all I hear in church. Sad to hear it on the football field as well.

Hoarders & Me

2011-12-19T09:02:00.000-06:00

For some reason I've gotten hooked on Hoarders.

One episode I watched this morning featured a 28 year old hoarder whose hoard hadn't yet become life threatening. This 28 year old was extremely controlling, and yet extremely insightful. She recognized that her behavior was undermining her relationship with family and significant other. She made it impossible for the significant other to say anything about her behavior, to voice his opinion about anything, to make any requests for his own space or to satisfy his own needs. When he asked for something she responded emotionally in a way that most of us are fearful to confront.

A&E offers those who participate in the show aftercare funds to work with both therapists and organizer. This hoarder undermined that as well, making it impossible for the organizer to help her -- putting up obstacles until the organizer gave up and quit.

All of this can be ascribed to the illness, the compulsive hoarding. But I was also left wondering if this hoarder was aware of her disease and was using her disease as a way of manipulating others, an excuse for essentially bad behavior.

But it also made me wonder if I do/am doing the same thing. I think I am and I do.

I think I use my illness as an excuse for getting snappy at Kris. Yes I am drugged. Yes I am in some pain fairly constantly - though it isn't great pain but it is a pain that keeps me aware that I have recently had major surgery. I do use the illness as a way of excusing my not calling the people I need to call to get things done around the house. I do use the illness as an excuse for watching a lot of television and reading very little.

OK. I am using my illness as a way of avoiding actual responsibility. So, will I change that, call the plumber and get the home in the shape it should be. Will I at least turn off the television and open a book.

Sure, just as soon as this episode of Hoarders is over!

Evigheternas Evigheter

2011-12-18T14:35:00.000-06:00

The Sunday following my long posts on time and eternity the lessons for the day are full of promises about everlasting kingship, unforgotten, timeless promises of the divine toward the chosen people, and "forever."

Just for fun I take the Swedish bible along and read the lessons in Swede while they're being read in English. The second lesson, Paul's doxology to the Romans reads - in Swedish - "den ende vise Guden tillhör äran genom Jesus Kristus i evigheternas evighet." I am not entirely sure of my translation, but I read this as saying "the only wise God through Jesus Christ to him belongs glory for the Eternal's eternity." The English reads "the only wise God, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever."

What's got me confused is the phrase "Evigheternas evigheter." The Endless ones foreverness? Something like that.

To solve the problem I need to consult commentaries and the Greek text. I wonder if this is an odd phrase in Greek as well as Swedish. What this does for me though is to keep me pondering the relationship between time and eternity, feeling fairly certain that I haven't yet gotten to the last insight on how Now fits into Forever.

If I were a poor black kid

2011-12-18T09:52:00.000-06:00

If I were a poor black kid . . . Gene Marks wrote this advice, presumably to influence poor black kids who read Forbes. It's been thoroughly attacked, rejected, abused and refused by a large segment of the public. Lots of not-poor not-black and not-kids have commented. Some formerly poor black kids have added their opinions. So why not me too.

If I were a poor black kid . . . I'd be very amazed and puzzled. How'd that happen? Unlike Navin P. Johnson, (Steve Martin's character in The Jerk) I was born a middle class white kid. My dad was the sole breadwinner in the family, and his paycheck was just enough to pay all the bills and put a little aside.

No matter how well my imagination works – and sometimes it works pretty well – it would take a monumental effort to imagine myself “a poor black kid.” I'd also need lots of solid data about the actual existence of actual poor black kids to inform that imagination.

It might also be useful to have a whole lot more information about brains and the differences among brains. It seems to me that there are profound differences among brains.

For example, some of us “get” literature and metaphor and allusion. Others of us don't get it, never will get it, no matter how much training we receive in reading metaphor. Those who don't get it can learn to see that there is something they don't get and even appreciate what it is that they don't get, but they'll never be great at reading metaphor and understanding and commenting on art – and therefore they shouldn't plan on making a living as a playwright or poet.

In the same way there are people for whom numbers have a reality, even a personality that they lack for me. I think of Mark Ahlseen, member of Bethany's faculty, who has an amazing facility with numbers. They clearly mean something to him that they don't mean to me. He understands numbers in a way I never will. I can barely keep my checkbook. Mark makes sense of where his money goes as if that paycheck were his good friend. I am convinced that it isn't just training – I can be better at understanding numbers, Mark likely can be better at understanding metaphor – but there is something inherent in each of us that is quite different. No matter how I try I could never be an accountant. No matter how hard Mark tries, I doubt that he'd ever be a poet.

So, if I were trying to imagine myself being something other than what I am I'd need to feed my imagination with lots of clear data about actual social conditions, about actual brains and their workings, about actual beings actually existing in a life that isn't mine.

Where Gene Marks goes off the rails is in his presumptions about the life of other people and how they would, could, and most importantly should behave in order to succeed in this world. Because his writing does not reflect his having invested himself in coming to understand how poor black kids actually live, the piece seems shallow and condescending.

It also seems like a call to behave, to willingly cooperate in being co-opted by “the system.” Behave, get good grades, learn technology – not so you can rule rather than be ruled – but so you can get a good job and be a good cog in the machine. Marks' call is not unlike Gingrich's desire to replace adult janitors with child janitors in training (which makes no sense, because you're going to be fired as soon as you become a competent adult janitor and earn a living wage).

For me, this raises the question of the purpose of education. Is education supposed to prepare us to be better workers or is education supposed to prepare us to think independently – independent of our job and the will of the state? In my view education should prepare us to resist the imposition of the will of the hegemon. But that's not my main point in this post.

My main point is that offering advice to others requires an empathic imagination. I need to see myself in others' circumstances.

What would I have been had my father not emigrated in the 1920's, lived through the depression by farming in Minnesota and the war by serving in the Army Air Corps? What would I have been had my father not left the family farm some twenty miles outside Haparanda, Sweden? I look at my cousins' lives in Sweden and realize that it is entirely possible that I would have become a child of the middle class. I might still have been a priest and a believer. I might have a darker, less optimistic view of the world if I had grown up in the “city in darkness” (that's the title of a prize winning novel about life in Haparanda).

I can sort of imagine what my life might have been like if I had grown up in the forests of the far north of Sweden. I can sort of imagine it because I've been there, seen the house, used the privy, walked the roads, slept in the summer night. But even then it is difficult to imagine.

How difficult is it then to cross the major lines of race, culture, religion and imagine ourselves members of another race, living in another culture believing in god in another set of thoughts with another revelation. Yes, I might imagine myself aspiring to a materially and even spiritually better life – but I don't think I could give advice to that alternative me, much less advise those who are actually living that life.

Time and Eternity II

2011-12-18T09:49:00.002-06:00

Eternity seems to me to require an essential difference from time. As we sing in the old gospel hymn “Just a closer walk with thee:” “When my feeble days are o'er, Time for me shall be no more . . .” It seems to me that most evangelicals don't see eternity as a state of being when time is “no more.” Rather, evangelical eternity is time extended indefinitely.

Admittedly, talking about eternity as essentially different from time stretches our ability to say anything meaningful. Thus religious texts must talk about eternity – in so far as they talk about eternity – in terms of time. But if we take the metaphors of scriptures and attempt to treat them as concrete bits of data like “it's currently 8:30 pm and I am watching television” is to badly misunderstand and misuse the religious text.

Eternity, in order to be eternity must be different from extended time. But what then is it? It is qualitatively and quantitatively different. It has no quantity, and no duration. Time has duration. Eternity cannot have duration or it would simply be more time – which it cannot be. It has a quality different from the quality of being “in time.”

But what is it to be “in time” except to experience duration – more or less. Perhaps better said, being “in time” means that we are aware of duration and the passing of time. In eternity we are unaware of the passing of time because there is no time to pass.

Perhaps I've made a leap that is unjustified by tradition or scripture. Perhaps what the gospel writers meant by eternal life was simply a continuation of this earthly life on this earth and continuing it forever with a cognizance of the passing of time.

I'm working from memory, so I may get the details wrong and I don't claim that these are my final thoughts about the subject. But as I recall it, when the Christian scriptures talk about eternal life they do so in codes that are fairly obviously meant metaphorically. John's vision of the martyrs hidden under the altar is surely not meant to be taken literally. Martyrs keeping an unending vigil crouched or crammed or somehow confined under an altar and being forced to sing one line over and over and over again would seem to be not far from the kinds of punishment that good evangelicals reserve for the atheists and others who question their sadism.

John's vision of the heavenly city, one of my favorite passages from the Christian scriptures, likewise seems to me to force a metaphoric, synecdochal interpretation on the reader. If we take it literally, there isn't room in this puny city – this heavenly Jerusalem – for all the inhabitants that would have to be accommodated from Jesus' day to ours. It's rather like the dilemma of attempting to cram all the “living creatures” onto Noah's ark. They just wouldn't fit.

I don't want to drive myself batty by spending all my time trying to think thoughts that have been better thought by actual philosophers. Still, I've been pondering time and eternity for a long while, and never more seriously than these past six months.

It seems to me that the fundagelicals in particular have it all wrong. I don't think I have it all right, but I do think, no I'm certain, that the idea of a place of punishment where Christopher Hitchens is being fried over and over and over again – and is conscious of the continuation of his cooking is both a vile sadism and not eternity. Likewise, the notion of a place of bliss where we are with our unborn unformed unexperienced unchildren for an unending family reunion is pure sentimentality. I can understand why people find consolation in that idea, but I find it as much of a torture as the idea of hell. After all, what will the Duggers say to little Jubilee Shalom after the first “Hi, how are you, sorry you didn't get to live on earth?”

I love family reunions. But they have a end and I look forward to the end.

Time & Eternity I

2011-12-17T21:43:00.000-06:00

Christopher Hitchens' death has occasioned all sorts of public reflection on the nature of death and life after death and faith and its opposite certitude. It feels like the moment I might finally get around to writing about an issue I've been thinking about for many months – the nature of eternity.

First though, my own opinion of Hitchens. I didn't like him. Not because of his atheism or his drinking. Drunk atheists aren't uncommon – just as drunk true believers aren't uncommon. What bugged me was his arrogance. He decided that the US was right in attacking Iraq and could not bring himself to show a little humility when he turned out to be wrong. Salon has a great article about Hitchens' errors and his inability to back down on the Iraq question.

Hitch wasn't the only death that awakened thoughts of eternity. The Duggers, of the TV show "19 and Counting" fame, “lost” their 20th child. Michelle Dugger was told at her December 9 doctor's appointment that the child she was carrying no longer had a heartbeat. She miscarried the baby two days later. UK's Daily Mail reported on December 15:
Amy Duggar, a cousin who frequently appears on their hit TLC reality show tweeted the picture, saying: 'RIP precious Jubilee Shalom Duggar! Can't wait to meet you someday, thank you Lord for giving our family peace.'

So what happened to Hitchens after his death? What happened to “Jubilee Shalom Duggar” before her life?

Some evangelical thought would, of course, put Hitchens in a gruesome sadistic place of torment – thrown there for endless torturing by the will of a vengeful and hatefilled absolute deity – a power lacking the moral sensibility that most humans are capable of. On the other hand, the Dugger cousin, and probably the Duggers too, seem to picture a world that is essentially like this one, but without a the finality of death.

Eternity then isn't qualitatively different from time. It is essentially the same as time, but longer and without death. That's the only difference.

But if that's the only difference, eternity isn't eternity. It's just overtime. Like the overtime at the end of a regular soccer game – if you've been interrupted or play has stopped in life you get to have an extra three minutes, only the extra three minutes just keeps going on and on and on.

Politics and Ideas

2011-12-07T08:17:00.000-06:00

Newt Gingrich is being hailed as a man of big ideas. What a load.

Newt is a thinker who can't think. Something occurs to him and he has to spew it out. Then he doubles down. Let's turn back the clock and put children to work! Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's repeal the laws that protect children from being exploited and let the poorest of the poor children learn their place in our society. They're the toilet cleaners - the untouchable caste. But they sure do have a great work ethic!

Let's be frightened of the Electromagnetic pulse - an unproven danger that no one but Newt thinks is a danger.

Let's do again what we did before that didn't work. Less regulation. Fewer taxes for the rich. If those are such good ideas, how come they didn't work in the ten years they were in force? How come the Bush residency brought us low low taxes on the rich (which didn't have to be paid for) and no no jobs? Except the ones we shipped overseas (or to that 52nd state, the Mariana Islands).

Then there's Herman Cain. Praised by Newt and praised by CNN. Such great ideas - 999 - more like Nein, Nein, Nein. In the interview broadcast this AM on CNN the interviewer asked Cain what he meant calling the work of Jesse Jackson and Julian Bond "a sham." Cain responded "you can call it a sham or you can call it . . ." The point isn't what we might call it, it's what did you mean when you called it that!

At the end of his speech he again quoted Pokemon, the Movie. This time he acknowledged that he got the words from Pokemon, but that he didn't know who was the original author of the line. Sloppy thinking! I certainly wouldn't give high marks for credibility to any student who did that in a speech.

The quote itself is actually rather banal. The fact that it's from the tag tune to, as John Stewart said, get you the f*** out of the theatre so the staff can come sweep up the popcorn, makes it even less intellectually stimulating.

This is not thinking at any depth. This is thinking in the shallows of life and calling it thinking. To call Newt an idea man and credit Herman Cain with bringing big ideas to the campaign is to debase what can be thought about the political situation in which we find ourselves.

Newt is the perfect representative of the Hegemon. Cain the perfect illustration of Gramsci's theories concerning Cultural Hegemony.

Do you always learn something

2011-11-22T10:26:00.000-06:00

There is a great American culture myth that you have to make every experience a useful experience.

I am not sure that I want to do that yet with the current illness.

It is interesting to note the "stages" I've gone thru in this illness. I've been overwhelmed by having cancer - there is something about the name cancer that makes one feel incredibly vulnerable.

Then there was a stage of being extremely confident that I would come thru this with no or little pain, discomfort, deformation, or even effort.

There was a weekend of weepy regret. While I loved having what felt like deep feelings, my sinuses didn't love the mucus and swelling the weeping brought on. And I couldn't figure out what triggered that phase. It came stayed three days, and in good Franklin style left before it began to behave like a fish.

Then I had minutes of anxiety. I actually wasn't all that scared when it came to surgery. I don't know why, but I wasn't all that afraid. When I was given the sedative that was supposed to merely relax me, I was gone. I remember getting the sedative in my iv line in the right hand. I was told that I'd see the surgeon in the hall before we went into operating room, but that would be the last thing I saw. Nope. Remember being rolled into the hall, but that's it.

Recovery has been going very swiftly and I'm incredibly optimistic. I'm feeling like the pathology report is going to come back positive - i.e., no spread of the cancer. I've got the feeling that the p.t. is going to go well, even though I had significant weakness when we removed the bandage last night.

I've been supported, prayed for, loved throughout the journey. Did that help? I suspect so, but I would hesitate to say that the cancer and its effects have been ameliorated by the support and love. But I also would hesitate to say that the support hasn't made a physical difference. That, as a religious professional, is a really interesting feeling.

I know that I'm "supposed" to support the idea, intellectually, that prayer does make a difference. Intellectually I am not convinced. Emotionally, I haven't "felt" strength coming from others. Yet, a part of me, an inward and secret part of me is beginning to awaken and say, "Oh, wait, think. All this prayer, all this love, all this support and positive vibes, they have made a difference."

But have I learned something from this?

Or is it enough that I have just experienced all this? Right now I'm opting for the latter. I just experienced all this and I am experiencing all this, and I don't have can't have any generalized knowledge that I've gained from the experience.

Abu Dhabi Grand Prix

2011-11-13T17:22:00.001-06:00

Between plays of the Bears/Lions game I switched over to speed channel and watched parts of the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix. Happened to catch the awarding of the trophies.

Next to the three winners were large bottles of champagne. Wait, I thought Muslims were a teetotaling faith.

Hmmm. I guess piety takes a back seat to cultural acceptance and being able to show that you are a player in the post-modern world.

Pietism is Hard to Escape

2011-11-13T17:12:00.000-06:00

Kris grew up in a household where Sunday card playing was frowned upon. I grew up in a household where Sunday afternoon was time to visit family (Kris too - and she keeps that by calling home every Sunday).

Not extreme examples, but both examples of the kind of Swedish pietism - and German pietism - that was part of our family's histories. We weren't part of the don't drink, smoke or chew or go with the girls that do pietists - well maybe that go with the girls part applied - but we both grew up in households where the pietist more was strong.

Sunday was a day for Church, for a big family lunch, and for not working. We did not work. Ever. I cannot remember my father ever doing a household chore on Sunday - though he did have to go to work on many Sundays (when you work swing shifts you work some Sundays).

Here I am, ready to go to the hospital for surgery on Wednesday (to KC on Tuesday for MRI and MD appointment). I had to get the front porch painted today. I painted thru the pain and got it done in about an hour's work. I had to remind myself that I was pretty much pulling my ox out of ditch on a Sunday and it was OK.

Kris has been working in the kitchen all afternoon. She's cleaned behind the stove, set the oven on self clean, the four hour cycle, and now she's cleaning the vegetable and meat drawers (and behind) in the fridge. And I have this little voice in the back of my head saying "that's not right!"

I know, I know. All days alike are days to praise God. All days alike are days when our honest labor praises our creator. Pietism was mostly a show and sometimes a fraud for most of us. Sometimes you just have to get your ox out of the ditch on the Sabbath.

But the voices in my head are sneaky, quiet, and insistent. I can't ignore them, I guess I just have to have a little chat with them - where I tell them to pipe down!

The Cowboy Cheerleaders

2011-11-10T12:14:00.000-06:00

November 7, 2011

Last Sunday I started watching an episode of "Making the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders." I was flipping through the channels, looking for something to accompany a nap, and came on this show at a moment when the casting mothers were telling the girls how hard they were going to have to work overnight if they were going to keep with the program.

Hmm, I thought, I want to see how these women respond to this demand for hard work and study overnight. I have trouble motivating my students to work hard. Maybe I can learn something.

I stuck with the story. I was impressed by the way these young women responded to the challenge. They worked hard, worked in teams, put in the time to learn a dance routine.

Then came the judging. And after: One of the young women was called into the office and questioned about "pictures." The pictures that the casting mother showed the girl were of the young woman in a bikini. While the audience wasn't shown details, the pictures didn't seem any more salacious than the uniforms the girls wear on the field, the hip gyrations or the swimsuit calendar. Look, these are sexy women (at least in a conventional sense of the term) whose sexuality is exploited by the management of the Dallas Cowboys to keep the crowd (and the viewers) viewing and spending money.

So what's the problem if one of the girls does her own salacious posing? It doesn't fit the image we're trying to maintain? Really?

What image is that? Barbie doll sexuality - look but don't touch teasing - women are objects but we own the objects and you don't? What is the image of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleader that would be sullied by one of their cheerleaders appearing naked on the internet?

I don't understand why we Americans have allowed ourselves to be bullied into the basement viz. naked human bodies. The attitude of the cheerleader leader mystifies me.

Secret Remedies: Do I need more?

2011-10-30T21:41:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went to Apotek, our local pharmacy, to renew a pain killer prescription. I also picked up an aid for one of the problems caused by my pain killers, combined with having to sit and lie on my backside.

It's the truck driver and the pregnant mother to be's best friend, the doughnut pillow.

I didn't realize how much help it would be. With two days use my problems have been relieved so much that I can actually forget that I have problems other than the leg. The best twelve dollars I've ever invested to handle indelicate problems.

Now, maybe one or more of you can help with another secret remedy.

I've spent much of this weekend in weepy nostalgia. Yesterday it was focused on my parents and my children. Today is was all about church and spouse. I couldn't think of either without weeping.

I started to snap out of it at lunch - potluck with Martin Marty - the church historian. It was a great surprise to have him at Bethany, and I had enough history of listening to his lectures and reading his books so that I had something to talk to him about. But as soon as that was over I was back into weepy mode. Just about anything was making me sentimental. Like my brown leather jacket.

I wanted to get out, I thought that might make me feel better. I wanted to get out to the zoo, in my leather jacket, in honor of that moment back in 1994 or whenever, when the kids and I were photographed in front of the Landmark Cafe in Chicago. Of course Chicago was out of the question, so I was willing to settle for Rolling Hills, provided I could wear my leather jacket and have my picture taken in said leather jacket.

Mostly it worked. For most of the afternoon I was alternately cheery and in pain. The walking is difficult - we mostly rode the tram from stop to stop but did enough walking that I was well aware of my leg-lump. But there were times I started to tear up, usually over nothing.

So, what the heck is going on?

Is it common that the combination of medications leads to depression? Or is the depression a way of alerting me to facing my mortality? Do I need some talkie therapy - I'm more than willing to go talk to someone - or do I need happy pills?

As always, your thoughts are welcome.

Nostalgia Hurts

2011-10-29T17:04:00.000-05:00

It all started this morning when Kris caught up on a Simon and Garfarkle documentary we'd been keeping on the DVR.

It's a few years old, this documentary, so Paul doesn't look "elderly" the way he's been looking of late. The documentary covered all the old tunes, the good tunes. "Song for the asking," "Bridge over troubled waters."

Listening to the boys singing the old tunes I found myself transported, mentally, back to 1967. It was a beautiful fall day, and I stood at the corner of Fullerton and Lincoln, across from what was then McCormick Theological Seminary. The sun was shining bright. The anti-war movement was promising a new day. The hippies were scorned but not yet despised, and I was in my favorite part of my favorite city. It was a moment of life and hope and bright illumination.

Suddenly I felt myself tearing up and thinking about the potential that we had somehow thrown away. What happened to us? We were going to be the bridge over trouble waters, the friends who would be there to lay down our lives for one another. What happened?

I thought I had a photo from Chicago from a fall or a spring just like the one I was remembering, so I went hunting. Instead of finding just what I was looking for - I found the photos I've now posted on Facebook, including the one I've used in this post.

It should be obvious. It wasn't the 60's. It was the 90's.

There's Emily and Jon and me and we're in front of the Landmark Cafe, at the center of the Lincoln Park Zoo. It must be Christmas time, since I have both the children with me. It's obviously cold, but we don't seem to care. It may be kind of damp, but we don't seem to care.

I sort of remember this day. I sort of remember every trip to the zoo with my children, including the first trip Emily took to Lincoln Park Zoo, a trip where she was more interested in the pigeons than in the zoo animals.

I remember these days and I'm getting quite emotional. I miss having kids this size around, having kids discovering and learning and exploring without my having to tell them to look and listen and explore and study. I miss my kids and wish they weren't so far away.

I've thought that before, but I've never found myself so, well, weepy about it. I wonder if the illness and maybe the conditions I've been fighting this week has something to do with my emotional state.

Still, I'm holding tight to the memory of that day when we zipped from lion house to monkey house to ape house to Children's zoo to bird house and shivered at the few outside animals in between. I'm holding tight. Nostalgia hurts.

Why The Third Man?

2011-10-23T00:29:00.000-05:00

Kris said, "Let's watch a movie tonight." We fiddled around until nearly 9:30 pm. I wanted to see Wisconsin win. (They didn't). Or Notre Dame (They didn't).

Finally watched Ebert at the Movies. The show begins and ends with the Third Man theme, that mystical musical zither sound that entranced my mother. It's one of the gifts she passed on to me, loving both the music from this movie and the movie itself.

I had recorded The Third Man the last time it played on Turner and hadn't watched it. So we watched it.

It really is a brilliant film. You can see all the technique Wells developed for Citizen Kane. You can feel the tension build. You're amazed that Harry Lime is the central character of the film, though he appears in less than ten minutes of the whole.

What draws me back to the film is the setting. Post-war Vienna, barely recovering from the bombs and destruction, is as important a character as Lime. Wells managed to take that devastation and make it not just interesting, but compelling.

Why do ruins draw our interest? Why does devastation draw our attention. Perhaps it is because we see these people struggling and refusing to give in to but not quite believing that there is a future. There is a combination of pathos and an intellectual argument - what is allowed for people who must compromise to survive? Are moral values only for those who are comfortable and well fed?

Or is our interest in ruins a hold over from the romantics?

I'm not sure, but after another Saturday of overdoing, I'm feeling like a bit of a ruin myself. Maybe that's why the film appealed to me. I could identify with post-war Vienna. Perhaps that means I see myself finally looking like the Vienna Rick Steves loves to visit.

Why do Baptists Hate the Constitution?

2011-10-08T09:40:00.000-05:00

Pastor Robert Jefferies of some gigantic Southern Baptist church in Texas, started me thinking about Evangelicals and the U.S. Constitution.

Yesterday he announced that Mitt Romney was not a Christian, and that his religion would be considered a "cult" by orthodox Evangelicals. The media reports are saying that Jefferies said he's "no true Christian" - whatever that animal is. Regardless, either "no Christian" or "no true Christian" as a designation of Romney is being portrayed as scandalously harsh.

I think that Romney ought to embrace the "not a Christian" designation and do some educating of the media and the public.

Mormonism is not a "denomination" - a division of Christianity that accepts orthodox doctrines with a particular interpretation of those doctrines. Mormonism is a separate religion that gives a nod to Jesus, but has a raft of beliefs that deviate radically from Christianity. Mormonism wasn't founded, as was the Baptist tradition, on a different understanding of the meaning of a particular Christian practice - namely baptism. Mormonism was founded on a new revelation to Joseph Smith.

It's not Christianity, it's Mormonism. It's a different religion, not merely a denomination.

I don't care for Mitt Romney, but it isn't because of his religion. I believe that the constitution already assured all of us that Romney's religion doesn't matter - all that really matters is our judgment of his potential as a leader of the democracy and his proposed policies. His religion doesn't matter.

The constitution specifically says,

but no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States (Article VI, section 3)

My only question is why the Evangelical Christians hate our constitution?

What's Next?

2011-09-25T09:22:00.000-05:00

It is interesting how, having come through the fears of being a person with cancer, of becoming old, of being dead – and receiving assurances that the cancer can be cured, the aging is inevitable and the dying isn’t going to happen just yet – I’m now focused on the process of being ill and getting well.

I didn’t plan this out. I didn’t consciously move from one stage to the next: it just happened.
This weekend I’ve spent a good deal of time pondering why I’m sleeping all day (and not all night), how serious the doctor was in her orders about my digestive tract, and why the pains have changed location, shape and sensitivity? And why my diet has changed.
I don’t need to bore or disgust, but one of the biggest challenges during an illness in which one consumes a strong narcotic for pain is keeping the digestive tract “regular.” “Once a day,” the doctor said, quite adamantly. I have to go see her Monday! What if I can’t – Wait! Stronger drugs!

The knee has hurt pretty much from the beginning of this process. Now, it’s like there’s a metal ring on the left knee, and it hurts like hell if I touch it. What if it – Wait! Stronger drugs!
The principle lump has enlarged and gotten harder. There is some sensitivity to the touch, but no redness (yet). There is no radiation of pain from the lump to further down the leg – though I’m sure the pains are all related and I’m counting on all of them disappearing when the lump does. There is some pain on the backside of the thigh – which I’d not felt before. What if it can’t – Wait! Stronger Drugs!

Dr. Perez-Tamayo has prescribed stronger drugs for me, and told me what over the counter meds I should take and generally assured me that we can get this pain under control. She’s mostly right – though one of the prescriptions she’s given me isn’t doing much good. I wonder if the pains are going to get worse and the drugs are going to have to get yet stronger?

If they do, that’s OK. I’ve become accustomed to weird dreams and half-awake hallucinations. One of my current favorite pastimes is to distinguish between hallucinations and reality. (The hallucinations aren’t so bizarre that they’re easy to distinguish.) Trying to remember what I’ve done and what I haven’t done is a second favorite pastime.

Then there’s appetite. I don’t feel nauseous, but I don’t much feel like eating. That’s probably OK for right now, since I’m not doing much in the way of physical activity. I have a recipe from M. D. Anderson Cancer Center for a protein drink. I should learn to make it and consume it to make sure I’m getting good nutrition.

One of the strangest parts of this is coffee.

It seems that it affects me more now than it ever did. Coffee at 5 pm didn’t used to keep me awake. I had to drink some after 9 pm in order to be awake after midnight. Now, a cuppa after 5 pm means at least several extra hours of tossing and turning at night.

Yesterday I had only one cup of coffee. Day before two, but didn’t finish the second cup. Today I’ll probably have two. It doesn’t taste as good as it used to. That makes me sad. I mean, we’re going to talk “Svenskhet” in two weekends, and what is a Swede without coffee – strong, black coffee?

The family tells a story about Farfar and coffee. After he retired and sold the farm to my uncle Teodor, he and his wife stayed in the house. Farfar was going blind. But he got up first every morning and started the coffee boiling. From “morgonen till kvällen” he sat in the kitchen, smoked his pipe and drank that boiled coffee.

I may be shaming my whole family by giving up on coffee. Then again, once we get past this treatment I’ll return to my regular coffee habits.

I guess we can’t predict, so I’ll just have to include that on my list of things to watch while journeying toward health. No stronger drugs needed!

The Truth about Me and Cancer

2011-09-18T20:16:00.000-05:00

I didn’t tell everything I knew when I knew it.

I knew on Monday that the lump was cancerous. Dr. Rosenthal’s office reached me Monday morning and the person on the phone told me. I couldn’t tell anyone else right then. I delayed until Wednesday when I had an appointment with the oncologist in Salina. Because I’d told everyone I was going to the oncologist on Wednesday, I knew I couldn’t postpone beyond that date, but I needed to postpone to that date.

I just couldn’t bring myself of see me as a person with cancer. Cancer was something that only happened to other people. It couldn’t happen to me. No one else in the family had cancer. I was the first, the only one. Not a distinction I cared to have.

Not only that, I had come home from church Sunday after trying to sing the first hymn. I’ve found I can’t stand still long enough to sing the hymns. Thus, I’ve decided to sit during worship, which I also can’t do very well – both the seats in the chapel at college and the pews a Bethany Church are very uncomfortable to my leg.

But when I try to sit during the singing of the hymn I find myself unable to sing. I pretty much get on the verge of weeping. Last Sunday I came home and did my share of weeping.

I was weeping because church has been the center of my life since I was a young teenager. My earliest joy was to be an acolyte at Luther Memorial. My cousin once said to me, as I wandered through the basement in the black cassock, “That looks good on you, you thinking about becoming a Pastor?”

Church was central to my life even when I was an undergraduate and didn’t get to chapel or Sunday worship on Zion very often. The two most influential people in my young life were Roald Tweet of Augie’s English Department and Dick Swanson, the campus pastor. Church remained central to me during those periods when I was on leave from call, the late 80s and the late 90s, early 21st century. Church remains central to my life, even though the Institutional Church has decided that they neither want to nor wish to have me on the role of clergy.

Now I can’t go. I can’t sit in the pews. I can’t stand for the hymns. I can’t sit for the hymns, I just can’t go. I end up crying.

That’s a major shift in my identity. Major.

When I got the news Monday I couldn’t bring myself to admit that I had been told that
the lump is a sarcoma. I could not face the idea of me as a sick person who has cancer and may lose a leg to cancer, who certainly has difficulty moving because of cancer, who could lose a life to cancer. I was not ready to deal with that. I’m still not ready to deal with the could lose a life to cancer, but I suppose I’ll work my way there.

Here’s the thing.

I don’t feel brave. I don’t feel like a fighter. I don’t feel like I can do this.

When I was in junior high (though we didn’t call it that) I actually tried out for the Lane Tech Cross Country Team. All I had to do was complete the course in the top ten of the runners. I had friends on the team. They stood along the course and cheered me on. About three quarters of the way my will gave out. “I can’t do it,” I said, and dropped out.

My heroes in life have faced this far better than I. At least their public faces have been far better than mine. Cardinal Archbishop Bernardin of Chicago faced his demise with grace and dignity. Walter Wangerin faced his cancer with new insight and depth of feeling. Me, I’m afraid that I’ll have neither dignity nor insight because of this illness. I’m afraid I’ll repeat my daring don’t of so many years ago – get within sight of the goal and quit.

I start radiation therapy tomorrow. The CT scan of the chest and abdomen was ambiguous. The PET scan had no evidence of spread of the cancer. I’ll stick with the more optimistic until I hear otherwise.

Another Doctor

2011-09-13T21:51:00.000-05:00

I'm off to another Doctor, this one in Salina, tomorrow.

I'm happy about the progress, because I should be able to get the treatment started in the next two weeks.

What I'm not happy about is the clinic's insistence on payment. It's the first document the clinic forces you to fill out and the last document you're asked to sign. You have to sign off saying that you realize that if your insurance company doesn't pay you have to pay up front.

This insistence upon getting as much money out of the suckers as possible was the thing that was so off putting at the MRI clinic. I intend to pay my portion of the bills. But what will the clinic do if I can't pay the bill and if the insurance company refused to pay the bill?

This insistent demand for money makes me even more convinced that what we need is single payer!

The Lump and Thoughts Of Mortality

2011-08-28T09:22:00.000-05:00

The lump in the leg seems to be softening. Or maybe that's my imagination and/or the medication.

This Sunday morning I'm sitting in front of the TV, the best friend of the sick, watching Auction Kings. But I'm not concentrating on the show - except at this moment when they're auctioning a Faberge pencil for way over the value of the piece. That's pretty exciting. The guy who bought it better have some money.

But other than those moments when the excitement of the auction pulls my attention, I'm spending a lot of time thinking.

I'm thinking about the lump, how can I avoid it.

What I'm thinking is that there are two possibilities for this lump. Either it's a sarcoma or it isn't.

If it's a sarcoma, either it's treatable or it isn't. If it is, it's going to play havoc with this year, but I'll come out of it at the end of the year ready to go on to the next year a stronger, wiser person (I hope).

If it's not treatable, I'll die.

I am not afraid of dying. I'm just full of sadness at the idea because there is so much I haven't done.

I haven't written that book on Swedish Americans in Hollywood. I haven't written much of anything. I haven't even tried to find a publisher for the article I have completed on Hildy Johnson. I haven't finished the research on Greta Granstedt. I haven't written the piece on an alternative view of Mass Media - looking at it in light of the Christian faith, but not looking at it as judge and pious piss-ant.

I haven't learned everything I want to learn yet.

How to use Final Cut. How to work After Effects.

How to edit with rhythm and grace. How to pull an audience to a webcast.

And I haven't taught all the kids I can teach. I love my job. It is what I have built my whole life toward. Since I left Dear Old Augie I've always wanted to return to a college campus, to work for the good of the church in Higher Education: to give to others what had been given to me. That I will miss most of all.

That and family. I have not been the father I would have been to my children. Not been the kind of lover I wanted to be to my wife.

If this turns out to be a sarcoma and either un-treatable or very difficult to treat, I will be very sad to not have time to do what I have not done. Maybe, instead of regretting I should get to work and do. Because whether it is now or thirty years from now, I'll still have a ton of things on my to-do list.

Perhaps I'll start with sanding the porch rail.

Family in Irene

2011-08-27T19:59:00.000-05:00

Daughter Emily and her husband are in harms way in North Carolina.

Last Tweet, late morning, indicated that the lights were flickering and she expected to lose power soon. I expect that they have lost power and we won't hear from her for several days.

Thinking about her. Praying for her. It helps me keep my worries and thoughts off me.

Go for it kid! Beat that Hurricane silly!

More Thoughts on How I'm doing

2011-08-25T21:40:00.000-05:00

Went to Salina Ortho. That was a waste.

They were not prepared to do anything for me. They read the MRI (I wonder if Dr. Nickel got to see it. I have it now). They told me that they could do nothing for me. I spent more time giving my medical history than they spent with me. They took my $30 and referred me down the line. Of course if there was anything else they could do for me. . .

Bah!

When I go see the sub-specialist on Monday, 1:30 pm, I will have driven 200 miles. (That's 7 gallons of gas one way - tank full round trip - $50). I will pay $30 copay. This doctor will look at the MRIs, the X-rays and send me home - that's what Salina Ortho told me. That means we'll drive spend and still not know any more than we know today. So, I'll have to go back for another visit (that's another $80 trip - at least) to get an unknown procedure.

Just as obnoxious, the Ortho doctor refused to even give me an idea of what could be done, what it would be like if its a sarcoma (I don't want to comment on that because I don't know). And if it's a fatty tissue tumor - nothing can be done except maybe some radiation to shrink it some. Will it grow back? Will the pain lessen? Will there be side effects. Don't know. Can't say, don't care.

Have these specialist ever been human beings who have to live with anxiety, who have to live within a budget, who can't commute to Kansas City?

I'm going to call the Lindsborg Clinic and ask that they refer me to KU Medicine. Linda Branch recommended them. I think I've got a better chance for a better outcome there.

I've heard from many of my friends on facebook and elsewhere that my experience is just beginning and highly likely to get worse.

So let me be clear about my objections: I live 200 miles from Kansas City. Gas is $4.00 a gallon. I need to have some reassurance that what's happening to my leg can be at least significantly mitigated, even if not cured. I'd like to know what is likely to happen to me - and I can't drive to KC for chemo twice a week. I can't afford to be paying copays that add up to $200 per week.

I am both angry and more than a bit scared about the outcomes.

Why Didn't I Act Earlier

2011-08-23T06:08:00.000-05:00

One of my longtime friends I haven't seen in almost thirty years asked one of the best questions about my "mass" on the thigh.

"How could you let it go that long?"

My answer on Facebook was partly true. I let it go, in part, because I'm a guy - one of those people (usually male) who believes that if you ignore it it will go away and anything other than that is just weak. I know that's not rational, but illness isn't rational. I'm not even willing to call this an illness. I chide myself - as have others - on taking time away from work for this. As one of my colleagues said (in jest) when I couldn't stay for church on Sunday "I've got a pain in the butt, but I don't let that keep me away."

There's all that irrational guy stuff in my makeup.

But there's also an economic reason for the situation becoming so serious.

I just paid the first installment on treatment. Our first step was an x-ray a month and a half ago. The insurance company left me $220 and change as my part of the bill. My total out of pocket expenses could be as high as $3000. Plus co-pays on medications and co-pays for every MD visit. What will my total cost for this illness be?

Given the kind of health insurance climate in which we in America live, I'm hesitant to get medical treatment. Like most Americans we're paycheck to paycheck. Kris has gotten a new job, but it is definitely under-employment. She had an interview for a full time job yesterday - and if she gets that job it will make our lives comfortable. If not, we're pretty much sunk.

I don't want to become a medical bankruptcy, but . . .

So I haven't kept at my medical treatment - ignored the symptoms when they first appeared in March - because I'm a guy. That's my fault.

I haven't kept at my medical treatment because I'm afraid of what it will cost me. That's not my fault. It is the climate of this country that makes people like me, people who are responsible citizens scrapping by, fearful of becoming sick and even more fearful of seeking treatment.

I have very personal reasons to want that to change! I'm working against me. I don't need a social more that piles on!

O'Donnell's Talking: Why I'm Not Listening

2011-08-19T07:32:00.000-05:00

Christine O'Donnell is attempting to repair her reputation - yet again.

She continues to blunder her way through victimhood, lately being the victim of Piers Morgan. What did Morgan do that was so wrong? He asked her questions about her views and required that she do more that simply repeat them. He did nothing creepy. He did not ask her about her private sex life - at least no more than is appropriate to ask of someone who's written anti-masturbatory literature and made false claims about "dabbling in witchcraft."

Piers Morgan made trouble for "the Troublemaker." She walked off the set. She hung up on an interviewer who asked some question she thought was too private.

And I'm not going to listen to such a self serving little witch. She's a failure at everything except self-promotion - and not terribly good at that.

Here's what she should do, in my humble opinion - STFU! Go get an actual job. Work for someone else. Do some work. Study at an actual academic institution and earn an actual academic degree. Become a professional something.

Then you might have experience and something to say - though I'm dubious about that.

Poor Republican leadership. They can neither govern nor stand up to scrutiny, nor hold one of those "real jobs" they keep talking about someone else doing something to create. O'Donnell is the poster child for the new Republicans - a complete fake.

And that's why I'm not listening.

Dear Senator Coburn

2011-08-18T22:09:00.000-05:00

I've been listening to reports on your approach to healthcare without Medicare - or any other form of health insurance reform.

So let me ask you this:

How many chickens would I have to bring to the hospital for an MRI?

Could I pay my co-pay in brownies?

What about prostate exams? What's the appropriate payment for that: chicken parts? eggs? or some long brown loggy sort of cake?

How much of it?

Since I don't have my own chickens, can I bring you other people's chickens? And do the chickens have to be plucked and ready for boiling, or will your office take live livestock?

Thanks. Looking forward to good old country care so that I can croak when I hit sixty five.

Wisconsin Results

2011-08-11T20:21:00.000-05:00

Like many Progressives I'm disappointed in the Wisconsin results. I doubt that either of the Democrats will be recalled, but I'm watching with some trepidation. The Thugs have proven the power of money.

But I'm also a little confused by the interpretation of the results.

If three wins gives the Democrats a one seat MAJORITY - then doesn't two seats make the senate evenly divided? Yes, that means that the Republican Senate president can break a tie and push the Republican agenda - but at the very least the divided Senate will slow things down.

Democrats should slow things down, but not be the obstructionists that Republicans are when they are in the minority.

Lindsborg Electric Rates

2011-08-03T08:15:00.000-05:00

Reading the July 2011 Memo from the City of Lindsborg fills me with all kinds of mixed emotions.

First, it announces that my electric bill is going to rise by at least $10 per month. That's sad news I can't afford - but it could be worse.

Second, it describes the extremely responsible behavior of our city officials as they sought to prevent a much larger increase on the part of Westar Energy. I'm proud of our city officials for seeking appropriate redress of grievances - as the constitution guarantees and the Declaration implies is an inalienable right.

Third, the memo demonstrates the problem with the ideology driving our current representation in Congress - both the house and the senate. All three of our representatives are ideological free marketers, believing in the force of the "invisible hand" and complaining about the over regulation of American business.

As the memo tells the story, during the Bush administration, the free market was supposed to be set free in the electric power generation and distribution industry. That would result in more competition and lower prices for everybody. No need for government intervention!

Except it didn't work that way for us. The actions taken by the Bush government resulted in "upward pressure on the total cost of wholesale energy."

In other words, we were destined to pay more due to Bush administration actions. No matter what the City council wanted, no matter that residents couldn't search, individually for the Walmart of power distribution, we were destined to pay more due to the unbundling of power generation rates from power distribution rates.

Had we not had government regulation we would be paying much higher electric bills this fall. Westar, according to the memo, (and it's a little unclear on this point) would have increased the rate charged for power generation (not distribution) by 325% over the next twenty years. How much of that increase would we have felt in the first year is unclear. What is clear is that Westar was prepared to gouge small communities that purchased and resold energy to their cities. Perhaps to drive those municipalities out of the market altogether, thus leaving the way clear for Westar's take over of the whole of the business, leaving the consumer without an advocate. (The shut up and pay program.)

Fortunately, the City appealed and the FERC (FEDERAL Energy Regulatory Commission) ruled in our favor and we will face increases, not gouging.

This, my friends, is government at work protecting its citizens from predatory business practices. This is what government is supposed to do. This is what Huelskamp, Moran and Roberts don't want government to be able to do.

Don't Dis 'em if there not there

2011-07-28T16:34:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week I was in a meeting and heard previous leadership denigrated. Three former leaders of the organization were called "idiots." One consultant who worked fairly successfully for the organization was derided as "that Jerry guy."

Look, I know that we don't mix with every leader. I know we don't have leaders doing what we think ought to be done. But not doing what we believe should be done isn't the same as being a weak leader, or as being an ineffectual leader.

We've heard countless talking heads biting at the President for "failing to lead," and heard calls for "stronger leadership" on the commentary shows both left and right. My favorite was a recent David Brooks column in which Brooks asserted that the President needed to show leadership by doing X, Y, and Z!

The President had already done X, Y, and Z.

Yet it seems that the only criteria we have for any leader is "did they achieve my goal?"

Or as one of my church council members from back in my days of being Pastor at Trinity, Georgetown reminded me (he was a banker), the only question people seem to be willing to ask is "What have you done for me lately."

Anyway. I wish that we would take a deep breath before deriding our leaders as idiots, calling our political opponents imbeciles and generally denigrating the intelligence of those who don't do what we want done.

Maybe they can't. Maybe they're ideologically opposed. Maybe they're constrained by situation. Maybe they don't think our idea is a very good one.

Please stop calling for "stronger leadership" unless you can do some behavioral definition of that. And please, please, please, don't call and absent former leader "idiot."

If you're willing to do that, what will you say about me when I leave the room?

How Come It Goes Like This

2011-07-22T14:17:00.000-05:00

Has this been anyone else's experience: You break down and as soon as the replacement part arrives the original part works good as new.

Background: Five or six years ago I purchased a used Panasonic AG-DVC7 video camera for about $700. Not a bad price. I also purchased an extended warranty. Within a year the camera malfunctioned so badly that I had to send it to a repair shop in New England. It came back nearly perfect. The exception to perfection was that if I pushed the record button on the pistol grip the whole system shut down and restarted. If I pushed the record button on the handle on top of the camera everything was fine.

The repair costs were almost $400, and covered under the warranty. The warranty was cancelled after paying the repair costs.

Fast forward six years. I'm setting up for a wedding a week ago Monday and this camera decides not to work. It's giving me the same symptoms as previously. Push reset. You push the reset and you get a "service camera soon" message.

End of camera. It's OK because this is an SD camera and I need to be switching services to HD. But I hope to get some additional wedding work. So, back to Ebay where I find another AG-DVC7 for $450. Purchase. Shipped. Got it today.

Slight cosmetic issues. The view screen slightly too loose. But it will do.

Out of curiousity I try another battery on the old camera. The old camera is now working as it used to.

Crap! Maybe I didn't need the new camera. But if I didn't buy the new would the old have worked?

Are there actually little gremlins who take delight in making electronics suck until we purchase replacements?

What, No Coverage?

2011-07-13T08:57:00.000-05:00

I've been checking various news sources for coverage of the Wisconsin Fake Primaries. So far, a brief article on the New York Times is all I've found.

Why isn't this story isn't getting lots of national coverage?

Background for anyone who hasn't followed the story: after Republicans over reached dramatically in the winter, the Democrats, mobilized and activated in a way they hadn't been for years, managed to put six Republican State Senators on path for a recall election in July. The Rethuglicans, afraid of getting their asses spanked by the voters, decided to primary the Democrats (and to get recall petitions against 3 Democratic state senators). The Republicans ran "fake candidates" in all six elections, forcing a primary.

The "fake" Democrats were all soundly defeated. Of course, winning was never the point of this process. The point was to stall, perhaps with the hope that the people of Wisconsin would forget their outrage?

The effect was to force government to spend money on un-necessary elections. So much for fiscal conservatism.

All six actual Democrats won. Most by large margins. Even though Wisconsin has an open primary and Republicans were encouraged to vote in the Democratic primaries, the turn out was mostly of real Democrats.

Does this mean anything nationally? It should. It should demonstrate that the over reach in Wisconsin, Ohio, Ne Jersey, Maine and Kansas has consequences at the ballot box - if Democrats organize and get out the vote. We can defeat the moneyed interest of Karl Rove and his corporate cronies, but we have to be serious about it.

The Need for Single Payer

2011-07-09T20:15:00.000-05:00

In the wake of last year's health care reform it seems as though prices have suddenly sky-rocketed and coverage has gotten worse.

My basic copay per visit has remained the same, but the copays for all drugs have gotten worse - except for the generics - and the coverage for dental has gotten worse - because the insurance company demanded 75% buy in from our campus.

Drugs are the worse part of a worsening situation.

I used to have a copay of no more than $30. Now, one drug has become extremely limited to me and costs $60 copay. The cost of that drug sky-rocketed from approximately $10 per pill to over $25 per dose. Another went from a $30 co-pay to a $45 co-pay, and as far as I can ascertain, that's pretty much the cost of a thirty day supply. One vital medicine Kris takes isn't covered at all and costs $5 per does.

What's going on here?

I suspect that the drug companies and the insurance companies want to make things so bad, and blame it on the modest reform of the health insurance system.

Time Does Not Bend

2011-07-07T22:41:00.000-05:00

I know that there is this theory in physics that time and space bend around a black hole. I'm not sure what it even means to say that time bends.

I do know that time is not a fungible quantity, but is, in fact, rather inflexible. If you spend your time you do not get it back again.

Today I spent my time: melting paint off half the slats on the north side of the porch; helping a student figure out plan C; installing the network printer at Bethany Church & figuring out how to make it function as a scanner; grocery shopping; getting checks ordered for Hershey Track Meet families; cooking dinner - including cooking a new mac and cheese dish from BBQ U; watching Maddow and doing a little web surfing.

I could list all the things I didn't do. They were legion.

The point is, the tasks I did filled all the day I had, and now, at 10:40 pm I have no day left. Nor can I get a refund on the day I spent, so I had better make sure I spend it wisely!

Siw Malmquist at Allsång

2011-07-06T16:40:00.000-05:00

It's great to see her at her greatest. She's at least 10 years older than I am, right. But there she is, singing her songs and selling her recordings! May I do at least as much when I hit her age.

Should I Go Back to This Doctor?

2011-06-14T21:47:00.000-05:00

I went to Hutchinson, to my urologist, today.

It seems strange to call this doctor "My Urologist." This is the second urologist I've visited, the second who has shoved things up my butt and clipped off pieces from my inside.

The first was three years ago, a urologist in Salina. I went with a high reading on one blood test, with some trepidation on the part of my Family Physician that I might have some serious problems. The urologist in Salina had his own operating suite and his own treatment unit, both of which encourage cutting regardless of the genuine need. After cutting, getting a biopsy and charging me a great deal for the fun I had, I got a negative report and no treatment.

Two years later I still had a high number and my Family Physician recommended that I go to a specialist. I wanted a different specialist. I went to one in Hutchinson. He too wanted to cut. He cut, it was expensive. There was nothing.

At least he gave me a pill to take to improve things. It didn't do much for one of the symptoms, but seems to have lowered the number.

I'm supposed to go back to him in six months. I don't think I will.

My Family Physician can monitor the numbers. Why should I drive 50 minutes (at $4 per gallon) and spend an extra $30 for this guy to give me a finger wave and read a number?

I don't get it. Don't Doctors pay bills? Don't they have to make budgets?

They do, but they budgets they have to make are the ones that pay for their equipment to shove up and clip, staff and offices. Unfortunately, I don't have the $ to make another doctor visit.

Sermon Response

2011-06-12T21:27:00.000-05:00

Guest preacher in the pulpit this morning. Thanks Dick Monson.

He preached on the Holy Spirit - it is Pentecost Sunday. One of the comments that stuck with me came from his seminary days? I think. Anyway, an antique once told Dick that he should make a mistake every day, but never make the same mistake. That's kind of tough on a Swede. We tend to make the same mistake over and over again, thinking that the mistake must be right, but the outcome could easily be mistaken. It's not us.

I made a mistake today. I got up this morning.

I vow I will not make that same mistake tomorrow.

Weiner Worse

2011-06-11T21:26:00.001-05:00

How bad is Anthony Weiner's trespass?

During this spring sabbatical I had opportunity to read the correspondence from American writer Ben Hecht to his wife Rose. I don't know that Hecht had mistresses - I suspect he may have though he doesn't talk about them in anything I've read. He expected that his friends, most of whom were Hollywood types, would have liaisons outside of marriage.

I bring this up because Hecht's letters to his Rose from Hollywood were, to say the least, erotic. They were, not to put too fine a point on it, filthy. If he had a mistress any letters to her would also be filthy. And if anyone ever found those letters they would be shocked, shocked, shocked.

On the other hand, here's Weiner. Tweeting suggestive flirtations. Hmmmm.

Is it the medium that makes the message more salacious or just the times that makes the salaciousness into news?

It's Not Funny

2011-06-11T21:02:00.000-05:00

I've taken to listening to the Comedy stations on Sirius radio. There are four channels on the network devoted to standup. It's interesting to hear the comedians from fifty years ago, the Bob Hopes and his generation.

There are a few comedy bits I refuse to listen to, however. The comedians, like Carlos Mencina, who maintain that in their childhood they were beaten and therefore it's OK to beat children because they will outgrow it and turn into upstanding right thinking individuals.

Some will.

The far greater majority of children who are beaten will grow up to beat their children, who grow up to beat their children. They will believe that violence is the solution to problems, not the cause. They will grow up to be troubled people.

It is not funny.

Beating children is not funny. It is never funny. It cannot be funny. Please, comedians, stop thinking that it is ever funny for a grown up to beat a little child.

Aging and Boredom

2011-06-07T09:20:00.002-05:00

Just back from a weekend in Minnesota. Spent some of the time at my wife's home with her 90 year old parents. Her mom spends a great deal of time sleeping.

I wonder, how much of nap time comes because Mom genuinely needs a nap, and how much is driven by boredom. I know I was so bored at times that I took to napping even when I wasn't really tired. So the question is, how do you stimulate the elderly when they have limited vision, hearing and mobility?

A cattle prod might work on me when I get into that sort of stupor.

Three People Who Should be Ignored by the Media

2011-05-31T23:33:00.000-05:00

1. Harold Camping. (and anyone who continues to follow this wackaloon and expects anyone to have any pity for them when October runs into November.)

2. Andrew Breitbart.

3. Sarah I'm on a family Vacation Half-Governor Palin.

Stop talking about these people. Stop talking to these people. Stop following the buses around. Newsmedia. You're embarrassing yourself.

Welcome New Members

2011-05-29T13:36:00.000-05:00

Bethany Church received new members this morning. Three of those new members came to us from Freemont Church. Freemont recently voted (for a second time) to withdraw from the ELCA and join another Lutheran Church body.

I suspect that the pattern of people, good solid workers, leaving the congregations that leave the ELCA is being repeated all over the country. It's too bad.

I'm sorry that Freemont left the ELCA. I'm sorry these three members left Freemont. The reason for leaving the ELCA seems to me to be more cultural than biblical, and seems to me to be something that will have/would have had zero effect on the church at Freemont. What's ahead for that congregation is a long decline, through isolation, lack of service and neglect by leadership in their new hierarchy.

It's all unfortunate and a case where emotions and fear have triumphed.

Something About Clark Schultz

2011-05-29T10:08:00.000-05:00

So, you know I'm not a Republican, right. Couldn't be. Couldn't ever be a Republican.

I am a Democrat and I'm proud of my commitment to the Democratic Party, even though it looks as if we have no chance of winning much of anything in Kansas. But maybe the Republicans are going to help us Democrats.

Even the Republicans seem to be turning against the radical elements of their own party. Clark Schultz gave evidence of this at the recent Rotary Club meeting.

Schultz cited Kobach's "Show us your ID, Grandma," bill. It's touted as a way to stop voter fraud, which, as many Democrats can tell you, isn't actually a problem. Not even in Chicago, notorious for people voting from Wrigley Field.

Kobach's citing a case out of Kansas City in which, he alleges, the election was swung by 50 Somalis who voted illegally after being illegally coached to vote for the winner - who won by only one vote.

Schultz did his homework on the case, and it turns out to be another case of nothing there. There were Somalis, though I'm not sure that there were 50. They were coached. But they had a right to vote and they voted the way they wanted to. The case has been adjudicated, and appealed and fraud was not found.

Those who assert that there was/is massive fraud in states with large illegal populations - show it. One of the outcomes of the Attorney Generals scandal of the last administration was a demonstration that the irregularities in the southwestern states did not rise to the level to warrant fraud cases - a fact that drove the Republicans in power to fire their own appointees.

And Schultz is standing on the side of greater voter participation. Greater voter participation generally favors Democrats. So maybe he's actually doing something that will help the Democratic party, even in Kansas. Or maybe voters will get tired of the efforts to suppress votes - for the benefit of the richest of the rich. Or maybe not.

But I'm glad that Schultz is standing with the people's right to particpate in this case. Maybe he could take a look at John Marshall's editorial and actually stand with the right of the local government to control its own future.

Obsessions

2011-05-29T09:56:00.000-05:00

Anything can become an obsession.

I'm not one who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder, but I know that I can make anything into an obsession. Right now my obsession revolves around my upcoming Summer Session I intro to Human Communication course.

I put off getting the course schedule reworked for the summer until the last minute was upon me. I've tried four different video streaming sites for methods of delivering content. I've rearranged the chairs on the deck of cruise ship communication. I've jiggled the handle to keep the tank filling up. I've touched every base at least twice. I've tried to get ready.

And I'm not feeling ready.

And I don't have anything to say about the introduction to Human Communication. Maybe, if I turn the camera on, I'll have something to say.

But this post, to my new Justin.tv site doesn't leave me feeling sanguine about content.

Watch live video from kalleoskar1 on Justin.tv

Kudos to LNR

2011-05-19T22:33:00.000-05:00

John Marshall has done something great. He has created a strong, convincing argument against the current Rethuglican "can't."

Of course, he was more polite about it than I am. He doesn't take on all the issues that our current one party system has created, but he argues forcefully against celebrating the recently passed budget as a "victory."

John argues that the budget was built on crippling schools and cities. Further he argues that the legislature has made it impossible for cities and schools to gain the resources they need to do the job they are charged to do. This makes our schools and our towns less attractive, driving people out of our state and further degrading life in our state.

I don't know about John's logic. I find it appealing, but I don't know that the logic is flawless.

The most amazing thing about this editorial is John's use of the word "progressive."

The American right has, for years, villified the terms "left," "liberal," and "progressive." Kudos to John and the LNR for daring to use the term!

It was a great editorial. I hope we'll see more like it. Even more, I hope that our local representatives give thought to John's words and the rest of us ask why the current Rethuglicans refuse to let towns like ours control our own destiny.

BOHICA from the bank

2011-05-09T20:18:00.001-05:00

BOHICA was an acronym I learned in Graduate School. We used it to describe our lot as graduate students, expected to do all the grunt work that the full professors didn't want to do, and expected to pass through the various rites of passage (developing annotated bibliographies of sections of the library having nothing to do with our discipline, for example.) The acronym stands for "Bend Over, Here it Comes Again." I had reason to think of this wonderous little phrase when I opened mail from my bank.

This past two weeks I've gotten notice from all my credit card companies. If a payment is late they'll charge usurious rates on everything I purchase using this card. The answer to that charge is don't use that card (or any card). Of course, given my purchasing habits - I live in a small town and I purchase many items online.

Today I got notice from the Bank of America. They hold our mortgage. They are our bank for savings and checking. All of our bills to BofA are paid by automatic deductions, directly from the bank to the bank.

Yet they sent me notice that if I ever have a late payment they will raise my rates to 29.99 percent. Thirty percent! What?

Two questions - does the consumer protection agency get a chance to beat these rates to a reasonable level?

And

Didn't we bail BofA's ass out just two years ago? What's going on?

Fox affiliate: Is "Glee" turning our kids gay?

2011-05-04T11:55:00.000-05:00

Fox affiliate: Is "Glee" turning our kids gay?

The commentators miss several important points about how tv influence actually works. Two great theoretical insights might help straighten the nonsense out.

First, the theory of influence has to take into account the polysemy of television. Because there are many messengers and many channels, there is no single message. You'll notice that smart advertisers don't limit themselves to one channel, one show. Tax Masters appears on afternoon TV, Judge Judy - and on Glen Beck and on History Channel and on and on and on. If you want to have a message be transmitted across audiences, you have to follow the lead of "Tax Masters" (or Geico or Progressive). Otherwise, expect that the message will be either contradicted or in conflict with other messages.

Second, they seem to have a vague idea of cultivation theory, but they don't get that right either.

Gerbner's work studied attitude arising out of news viewing. He found that heavy news viewers tended toward a "mean world" idea of the place where they lived. He did not find (nor has any other reliable study ever found) that viewers of news violence tended to become violent.

If Gerbner's idea is applied to gayness on television (not just one show, but the whole of television), one might expect to find that heavy viewers of situation comedy might have more positive attitudes toward gayness, i.e., they do not fear it or see it as being somehow threateningly abnormal. From "Hey faggot" on Soap to the kiss on Glee is a long trip, and one that's been thirty years in the travelling. Where we've come is from a position of fear, humiliation and degradation of anyone who is gay, to acceptance of gayness as no big deal.

One of my favorite stories is Josh's story. During his Senior chapel talk he spoke of coming out. His friends told him that they already knew, and that it was no big deal. If there is anything that has been cultivated by television portrayals of gayness it's that it's no big deal. Thinking that will not make you catch the gay.

I have to wonder if that isn't the problem for conservative commentators. If the youth of America come to believe that being gay is no big deal; that smoking marijuana is no big deal; that dancing naked is no big deal; that being religious or non-religious is no big deal - what will the conservatives use to keep the youth of America aligned to the conservative point of view? They are losing the youth of America because many young Americans just think that the positions of their elders are out of touch with reality.

Of course, the Fox commentators, even if they acknowledged the idea that this is about keeping power, couldn't very well say that out loud. Could they?

More Thoughts on Bin Laden

2011-05-04T08:02:00.002-05:00

Rachel Maddow had some intelligent and painful commentary last night. If she's right, and she certainly seems to be, we're still following Bin Laden's plan - and the results are exactly what he wanted them to be:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Bin Laden's Dead - Will We Change (Again)?

2011-05-03T06:31:00.000-05:00

Ezra Klein of the WaPo had this thoughtful comment in his policy blog:

Most of what changed in this country after 9/11 was our choice, not his. And his death is a reminder that changing it back -- or revising it to better fit our future -- is, similarly, our choice, not his. We’ve killed him, but we haven’t revisited the ways in which he changed us, or the ways in which wechanged us in response to his attack. Maybe it’s time we did.

Yes, we need to revisit our fears and the consequences of those fears.

It's the consequences at the airport that are most apparent. Long lines submitting to searches that a decade ago would have been unthinkable for Americans. Shoe removal. Full body scans. Nonsense!

It's time we left our shoes on and refused to stand with our hands above our heads just to board an airplane. It's time we allowed people to carry five ounces, six ounces of hair product in their carry on luggage. It's time we stopped being fearful sheep.

Our sheepishness, it seems to me, is revealed in the ease with which we're stampeded into voting against our own interests.

Our sheepishness is displayed by our unwavering allegiance to brands.

Our sheepishness is shown by the repetitive nature of our hit films, tv shows, recording artists. They all have to sound alike, look alike, be alike. I know that this isn't a post 9/11 feature - but maybe if we lose our fears with the death of the chief boogey-man we'll rediscover the joy of being wrong in our choices, taking a risk with our time and our selves.

I wish we could stop being such sheep. But I'm afraid we'll still stand in line and bleat.

Live Stream vBlog

2011-05-02T14:43:00.000-05:00

I'm working on learning how to use Livestream, and how it compares with ustream. I suspect that they are fairly similar, but KCAC uses Livestream, through VSN sports. So I need to pay attention to how that works. Right now, VSN sports is streaming a webinar on eligibility.

Here's my Livestream player - I hope:

Watch live streaming video from oskarstream at livestream.com

Hey, Firefighters

2011-04-27T08:14:00.000-05:00

I "get" your frustration with the tepid response of the national Democratic party to the assault on unions and the right to organize. I understand that you want to see stronger response and you're not willing to fund efforts to elect Democrats if Democrats won't stand up for unions.

But, please, explain to me how this current public announcement that you're going to stop supporting national Democratic candidates is going to help your cause. You are going to get more Republicans elected. And if you think this round was brutal, just wait until you're trying to organize in a Rethuglican controlled nation - a Michigan or Wisconsin gone national.

Wait, and remember - you decided not to fund the tepid. Now you have nothing.

Busting unions and shutting down public works, demeaning public employees. This is what Rethuglicans do. Help elect them and you help your members lose their jobs, their pensions, and their future.

It's Easter - Has the World Gone Mad

2011-04-24T09:33:00.000-05:00

Came across a couple of strange links for Easter Morning.

The first was a youtube video from Iceland - that I can't find anymore - of someone who was destroying his house rather than letting the bank foreclose (I had to ask google to translate for me).

There there's the story I've linked to in the title - a Norwegian 11 year old attacked and nearly hung to death in a playground at a campground in Värmland. What? Seriously. What?

This is not behavior I'd expect in Sweden, even in viking times. Yes there was violence back in the day, but sneaking up behind an 11 year old and trying to hang him. Why? Because he was Norwegian or just because he was an 11 year old. This is not right. This is disturbing.

On the other hand, Al Jazeera reported on Easter celebrations. It was a nice report.

I'm generally more satisfied with Al Jazeera's world reports than with those of most other major news organizations. They are covering stories the western press doesn't bother with, and seem to be covering them without hype or extreme point of view.

Ensign Resigns At Last

2011-04-21T21:44:00.000-05:00

One of the biggest Washington Hypocrites is John Ensign.

Here's the way it seems to go in American politics.

If you're a Democrat and you get caught in a sex scandal - it's just confirmation of the lack of moral grounding among the godless liberals (there aren't supposed to be any godly liberals, of course). Even though you've just done what conservathugs know liberals do all the time, you're supposed to immediately resign and go home in shame.

If you're a Rethuglican you go on TV, with your wife by your side, cry a little bit, proclaim you're sorry and decry same sex marriage - or something like that. You continue on and run for re-election (and if you're from Louisiana you win, despite the diaper routine).

Ensign followed the pattern for a year and a half. Now he's finally resigned. So much for family values.

Oh, wait, he screwed both the husband and the wife and the government - so I guess that's keeping it all in the family.

Glad he's gone.

Workers & Customers

2011-04-16T09:18:00.000-05:00

We're in the middle of the Rotary Club's Yard Sale. It's cold and we have four people working the sale, but no customers at the moment (9:15 on Saturday). We've had a steady stream, but no one's bought the big ticket item - mostly because we don't have any big ticket items.

Harry Potter (6 of the 7 books - in hardcover) all went. I thought Jon Stewart would sell by now. Some of the decorative plates sold.

Yard sales are odd things. You can never predict what will go when.

The goal is still to raise $250 (plus costs) for Lindsborg Hershey's Track Meet. Hope we make it!

Chicago on a Spring Afternoon

2011-04-11T22:38:00.000-05:00

My favorite time of the year in Chicago is the spring. I have great memories, particularly of a wonderful spring in 1969 or 1970. I came into town from Rock Island, riding the Rock Island train. We arrived at LaSalle Street Station. I was riding in the observation car (this was the last year of the Rock Island Line). When we arrived in downtown I took my grip and exited the station.

By rights I should have headed straight up the stairs at LaSalle and Van Buren and caught the Ravenswood Line (as we called it then) and been to Western Avenue in a half hour. Instead, I headed east to the lake and then followed the lakeshore north to Foster Avenue.

It was a beautiful day, much like today.

I detoured to the Lincoln Park Zoo, where I'll go tomorrow after I get done researching at the Chicago Historical Society. Out the north gate from the zoo, up past Diversey, and back out to the lakefront.

From Addison north the path diverges. You can either follow the lake around the Montrose Harbor and then up north past Wilson, Lawrence and Argyle until arriving at Foster Beach and then a mile inland to Ruth and Oscars.

I think that's the route I took, though I may, by that point in the walk, have chosen the shorter route, a hundred yards from the water, next to soccer fields, baseball diamonds and open park land.

I think it took me two hours to make the walk, and maybe a half hour extra in the zoo.

I remember that when I arrived home my mother was rather surprised - I hadn't told anyone I was coming home - surprised rather than angry about the time of my arrival. I think the sun was still shining, but I don't remember. I remember that I was tired, but elated. A great day.

Today was another one. Research at the public library, then to the lakefront, to Marshall Fields, north past the ugh Trump Hotel and Towers (where Sun Times used to be), north up the Magnificent Mile with a stop at Marbles the Brain Store, a stop in the Apple Store (got a few good tips for using the address book in a more efficient way), and finally a long stop at Starbucks (sorry) at Division and State.

That's as far as I got. I was tired, but elated, just like I was still 19. Only the legs were telling me I am a bit older.

Sports Illustrated Curse

2011-03-27T15:54:00.000-05:00

I am not superstitious. I really am not.

Black cats. Love 'em.

Ladders. I'll walk under them.

Mirrors. Watch we break 'em.

But Sports Illustrated Covers - now that curse may in fact be real.

Last year's five cover spectacular for the final four - Kansas, Ohio State, Villanova, Syracuse, Gonzaga. None in the final four.

This year's five covers: Ohio State, Brigham Young, Duke, . . . and now Kansas. A stunning upset by Virginia Commonwealth. Who are these people, these Virginia Commonwealthians. wealthiers. wealthiwhatevers.

Was it a curse or did the Jayhawks play poorly? Was it a curse or did the Commoners play well?

I'm certainly not in a position to tell you. All I can say is, if I were coach I wouldn't want my team on the cover of SI going into the tournament.

(Oh, BTW, I predicted this on facebook weeks ago. Sooooooorry to be right.)

Waffle day

2011-03-26T09:41:00.001-05:00

Shot this on main street yesterday.

Was waffleday a success? It looked like it. The waffles at the Crown were great. Was going to eat at BBC, but the crowd was too big. There were people shopping at Andersons, at Hemslöjd and the Blacksmith Coffee.

We need more events like this one! Folks, this was very positive and the planners deserve congratulations.

Crown, how about a vegetarian entree? That would make a great addition to your menu.

Gigi: Almost American - Ep #2 - Donate Good Cause

2011-03-26T09:36:00.000-05:00

It's not quite credible that anyone who comes to America from any European country would be this bad with English and this out of touch with American culture. But, it's funny and interesting.

The interesting part is the high production value added to this Damn Channel series for these four minute slapstick episodes. I don't know how they're going to pay for the production as things progress. We'll have to see.

This joins Chad Vader, Night Manager and the Lisa Kudrow series as the new look of video production. It's not like film production, but not quite ready for prime time or any time on the TV set.

It's my conviction that this is the future of entertainment and news - these short pieces with high production value. What I want to do at Bethany is make it possible to produce pieces that are as well done as this one -- and better than this.

Fantasy Fears for the Teens

2011-03-21T10:19:00.000-05:00

When Saint Ronnie was first elected our pontifex maximus he ran on a platform of ending the reign of the welfare queen. You remember her, don't you? The resident of Harlem with two solid gold Cadillacs who bought them with all the extra food stamps she scammed from the rest of us by claiming to have 150 offspring for whom she could collect child support from the State. Suckin' at the National teat she grew rich and fat and the rest of us were left to foot the bill.

Well, Saint Ronnie fixed her wagon, didn't he!

He also fixed the wagon of those obstructionist unionized Air Traffic Controllers! Another group of swine absolutely bathing in the public trough.

But he didn't fix all the feared scam artists and shysters and welfare queens.

Now, thanks to Rethuglican efforts in the teens we'll get the rest of those who think they can get a free ride from the state - and some other freebooters too.

First, we have to solve the massive voter fraud. There were, what, 29 cases, or maybe 129 cases of voter fraud in ten years in Kansas. My God, do you realize what that means! Sibelius' election was probably due to voter fraud!

Then we have to stop those swine the unionized teachers, social workers, fire fighters, police officers who are just sucking us dry with their unreasonable demands to be paid a decent wage and be part of the American Middle class. They don't have real jobs, they work for us. We made their work for them and they ought to be grateful!

And we have to stop the teenagers who are out having unprotected sex and singing about Fridays and Saturdays and Pants and all that other stuff that Ark Music Factory has devil tooled on our butts. They're having sex and getting pregnant and having abortions like it was candy! I know they are. And then they're claiming it on their income tax as a medical expense and that means we, the taxpayers, are really footing the bill for their abortions.

Oh yeah, and the baby boomers who are now trying to get a free ride after aborting all their children at public expense and now they think they can retire!

So, stop the brown babies from being born as anchors for terrorist baby boomer retirees who want to rob us of our hard earned pay! Stop it now! Support Rethuglican Initiatives! They all know that we were better off back in the 19th century. And anyone who says otherwise is just itchin' to taste some lead!

Kudos to Carla

2011-03-20T15:22:00.000-05:00

I've just spent time with Carla Wilson, helping her get a rear projection screen to work.

Carla's working at this for Messiah Church. She's a member there. I'm a member at Bethany.

Carla's working on this so that she doesn't have to paint a huge mural of the back wall at the last Supper.

This is Carla's project. This is Carla's project for Carla's church.

Yet, here I am working on getting this thing to work for her, taking home her graphic file to see if I can't get it resized so it will work. And Earl was there too; he built the frame for the rear projection screen. He's going to come to the theatre department to borrow 1X lumber and hinges.

Did I mention that this is Carla's project.

As I was coming out of Sandzen gallery, having complimented Larry on the bees they've already attracted, I thought - damn, that woman is good. She's got me helping on her project without offering me anything in return or having to bribe me or do anything for me in return for my doing something for her. She just got me feeling that I could and should help her on this project.

I think that's a good thing for a CVB person to be able to do, but I'm not sure Carla realizes that she is as persuasive as she is.

Congrats to Carla, my Lindsborg Citizen of the Day! I might even go to Messiah on Maundy Thursday, just to see how the tableau turns out.

How Do We Manage Healthcare

2011-03-20T14:21:00.000-05:00

Financially, things are not going the best they possibly could.

We screwed up a little, but we also have medical bills we really don't need. Kris is battling with the insurance company to get a prescription covered. I've stopped taking two medications because the deductibles went up and the benefits were outweighed by the costs.

Kris had to have two mammograms because the radiologist who reads these new mammograms is very careful. I went back to the urologist with a PSA higher than normal - but lower than it had been when we did a shove up and clip test - and the urologist wanted to do another procedure despite the fact that he had done this less than six months earlier and found nothing.

The mammogram costs approximately $200 per - an increase. The urological procedure about $1000.

Are the physicians aware of what's happening to costs and who's having to pay the costs? I don't think so. I think that our doctors, in particular, who have their hands full just don't know what it's costing the patient.

Single payer is the answer!

Do You Need to Pack?

2011-03-19T23:49:00.000-05:00

I should be going to bed, but instead I'm reading blogs. One I really like, but don't have in my blog roll is "slacktivist." That blog referenced a CNBC report on who's profiting from fear these days.

No surprise, it's the usual crowd of fundagelicals, including that most foul and noxious of all the fundagelical preachers, John Hagee. Here's Hagee not so long ago, according to the CNBC piece:

Hagee is a popular televangelist and senior pastor of the 19,000 member Cornerstone Church. His website offers a DVD called “Financial Armageddon” for $12 and is signing up registrations for a prophesy seminar in Sacramento in April for $10.

Here’s a highlight from his most recent online newsletter, in which he analyses the uprising in Egypt. “Get ready! Planet earth is about to become the playground for the Anti-Christ and his New World Order. The church will be raptured before the Anti-Christ appears; and I believe he could be introduced in Europe at any time. Pray up! Pack up! ”

I'm confused. Do you really need to pack for the rapture? I thought you just got taken out of where ever you were and transported into cloud coo-coo land with all your belongings but none of your longings.

If you want to read the whole article, it's here: http://www.cnbc.com/id/42077843

Finished - Sort of

2011-03-19T22:47:00.000-05:00

Tah-dah! I've finished the first paper from my sabbatical research!

The Front Page -- a Scene-Act analysis is complete. It needs to be read and proof read and read again, but it is basically finished and ready to go to Professor Cheseboro for reading and response. I'm a bit nervous about that, because he's one whose work I've read since graduate school. I know my argument is sound and that the paper is reasonable and that I'm not pushing my conclusion too far - yet - but I'm still nervous.

Maybe I should comment further upon the significance of the disappearance of the ethnic identifiers - how it parallels the community's disappearance - and how the stereotypical Swedish Male in comedy is a rhetorical homology with the experience of Black folks in film. But, we'd also have to note that Swedes could escape into general white society while blacks, Asians and Latins could not. That's part of the point of the book to come, but isn't really germane to the paper.

Well, I'll see what comes next after I read the text one more time tomorrow. I hope to have this emailed to the reviewer by Monday. I also have to cut for presentation's sake. But that's not bad. Half the research is done. Sort of.

I am going to do more with this in the next few weeks. I plan on going to the Newberry Library and have a look to see what Hecht might have said about the film. I'm also going to the Historical Society to see if there are any comments about either the play or the movie in the Swedish press. But, for the conference presentation, the paper is done.

Brook Green Suite

2011-03-18T10:02:00.000-05:00

We should be proud of our high school. This is the Chamber Orchestra. How many small town High Schools still have a string program? I doubt that there are many.

Sarah Vowell, several years ago in a This American Life program gave a very funny take on the difference between Band and Orchestra. The Orchestra, she said, wore tuxedoes. The Band wore tuxedo t-shirts. It was, she maintained, like throwing a bag of skittles into a box of Swiss chocolates to mix the Band kids with the Orchestra kids.

Of course, that was in the much larger metropolis of Bozeman, Montana. Here in tiny Lindsborg there is a great tradition of music. The High School is doing its best to preserve that tradition, making music important in the lives of these young people. Hurrah for them! I hope we keep it up despite budget cuts, difficult times and uncertain economies. The music from last night proved the worth of the program.

Teachers are Not the Enemy

2011-03-17T07:42:00.000-05:00

The Salina Journal buried the story -- it contradicts Tom Bell's rather vapid editorial lauding the Kansas legislature for not having to bother with things like Teachers' Unions.

It was an AP story about why the US students scores place the country 14th in reading, 17th in science and 25th in math. This is testing of 15 y.o.s in an International Assessment of these skills. Thirty four countries are part of the assessment, so the US now ranks in the lower half in math and science skills.

Part of the reason -- other countries attract the best and the brightest to teaching. We don't. We don't because we underpay, under-value, berate, and generally make education less of a priority than football. We devalue our teachers and tell them that they should be glad that we let them have any kind of job, those worthless bureaucratic swine swilling at the public trough.

Not only are teachers in high performing countries highly valued and well paid, science is also highly valued. We may brag about our research facilities, but those facilities will soon be staffed by non-Americans, because Americans don't do science. We do creationism. We do climate denialism. We do all kinds of pseudo-science and despise the people who do actual science. Texas is about to pass a law that so devalues science that it will call the discrimination against non-scientists attempting to claim a scientific mantel a crime.

This is ridiculous. If we want to stop this, we can. But we have to want to and, I'm afraid, we'll have to fight for it. The know-nothings are in charge and are unwilling to let any facts, test scores, or inconvenient truths stand in the way of their charge back to the 19th century.

Worst Song Ever?

2011-03-16T09:24:00.000-05:00

Rebecca Black's "Friday": Worst Song Ever - Watch more Funny Videos

Is this truly the worst song ever? It is terrible, but is it any worse than any number of bubble gum songs of the 70s, most of disco, and much of the lame in hip hop. My milkshakes, for example, is lame. C'mon. It's lame. So is "Good Morning Starshine, the earth says hello." Particularly the chorus.

I admit, autotune takes this to a hole noder lebel of lame.

Everything They Can

2011-03-16T08:16:00.000-05:00

Listening to P4, Sveriges Radio.

Just now the reporters from Stockholm are interviewing a young Swedish woman living in Tokyo. They ask, "Are you satisfied with the way the authorities are handling the nuclear power plant accident?" She responds, "You have to believe that they are doing everything that they can."

In an emergency like this, when the only organization that is big enough, and hopefully able to muster the proper expertise, is the government, one has to believe that they are doing everything that they can. Why would they not?

Yet, in a recent Soda Head survey on the issue more of those surveyed than not responded that the government was not to be trusted, even in this extremity. One even quoted Reagan's saw about "The most frightening words are 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help you."

Perhaps the saddest commentary on the American right wing is that they don't have the maturity to recognize that there are times when the government must step in and help and there are times when the government should stay out of the way. That's a lesson the left had to learn in the 1970's and 80's. It is a lesson that most of the right either is ideologically disposed not to learn or too immature to see.

Schools, roads, national defense, national parks and a post office are among those things that government must do because no one else is capable of doing the job. Emergencies like the nuclear melt down or the oil spill are also things on which we must believe that government is doing everything they can.

Saltoluokta Mountain Concert -The Original Swedish Arvika Blues Breakers

2011-03-11T20:09:00.000-06:00

Every now and again the blues can make you feel good. Here's one. Can we get these guys here in Lindsborg for Hyllningsfest? Just askin'

Wisconsin ReThuglicans

2011-03-09T21:49:00.001-06:00

Yes, it's an ad hominem, but I think it's and accurate one.

In the dark of night, with no debate, without even giving the Democrat at the table the satisfaction of having the reconciled bill explained, and in violation of Wisconsin state laws, the Republicans behaved like 19th century robber baron owned political bullies and pushed through the bill that strips public employee unions of their collective bargaining rights.
When they did it, the people outside the room hollered "shame, shame."
Republicans have no shame.
Witness Wisconsin.
Witness Florida, where the Republican Governor is taking 7 billion out of Education and giving it to big business, and promising to make business taxes zero out.
Witness Kansas where the Tea Party Republicans have made the legal medical option of abortion impossible, required voters to bring their birth certificate to the polling place and removed your educational opportunities if your parents are illegal immigrants.
And we're just getting started.
Wait till we get to Education. Watch K-12 education get gutted.

Postponed Again?

2011-03-08T15:01:00.000-06:00

I'm scheduled to give a talk to the Historical Society tonight.

This is the third try. And we've got a prediction for snow again tonight. Is this talk just not supposed to be?

I've had better luck on the Front Page presentation. Did that last Thursday - and it was a great presentation, but way too long. Tonight we're back to a Greta presentation.

Preliminary to that I'm watching on old, old Harry Carey Western with Greta in a fairly large co-starring role. Two things strike me about this serial, Carey's age and the clomp, clomp of the horse hoofs.

Carey was in his mid-fifties when he did this Western series, and he looks it. He's not the young, dashing cowboy hero, he's the cowboy as a tired, middle aged battler of evil (incarnated in a very fat Noah Berry).

And the hoof beats a just like they're supposed to be - if Monty Python's horses are any gauge of horse clomps. They sound just like the coconuts being clomped. Probably because they were.

Orbitz - Worth It?

2011-02-28T16:47:00.000-06:00

Just back from my trip to Chico. Overall, it was a worthwhile trip. Lots of tips for advanced editing, though I missed the multi-camera shoot session and one of the theory sessions.

Booked a new trip, to Chicago in April (also to Milwaukee and Peru, IN - but those are other stories).
I booked my trip through United Airlines, rather than Orbitz, Travelocity, or Kayak or any of the travel sites. I did it for several reasons, most related to the trip to Chico.

It was actually cheaper (excluding taxes) to book with United directly. I suspect that is going to be frequently true, as the major airlines realize that they can't sell seats to resellers and expect to make money.

Of course how the airlines are losing money is beyond me. Every seat was filled on almost every flight - the exception was Chico to San Francisco - the Embraer experience - noisy and bumpy. Had to move to the front seat on the left side in order to balance the plane. I'm not joking. But I am digressing.

I am in control of my reservation. If my reservation gets changed I will change it, not the booking agent.

Orbitz and the airline changed my reservations for the Chico trip. I ended up having 7 minutes to get from gate 87 to gate 45 in the Denver airport. I did not make it. I ended up losing part of the first day and all of the last day of the workshop I attended. I am not happy about that. I specified on my original booking that I wanted to return afternoon, and Orbitz changed my flight to the morning.

The airlines are making a big mistake with this charge for baggage checking thing, if you ask me. They're encouraging people to take barely reasonable carry ons to avoid the charge, and then forcing them to check at the gate - which the airlines then have to check through without the fee. Don't see that that's working.

So I'm home. Crabby about parts of the trip -- being herded like sheep or cows, crowded like sardines and fed like -- well, not fed at all. Disappointed a bit in the Super8 - the network was a disaster. But the video editing was fantastic.

What's Wisconsin About?

2011-02-21T17:17:00.000-06:00

Just watched the local news - and NBC national news - totally screw the uniions in Wisconsin.

"It's about balancing the budget . . . The Unions are resisting a bill that requires them to pay more for their insurance." This is NBC and the local NBC affiliate, KSN.

They got it wrong. The Unions have said, "We will give back $, but we will not give up our right to organize and negotiate for wages and benefits. We will not give up our right to strike. We will not give up our collective bargaining rights." That's what this is about. This is Republican Union Busting - so that there will be no opposition to the big money the big boys bring and Republicans can turn the whole of the country into Kansas. The news needs to tell the whole story, instead of accepting the Republican frame for the story.

What's the Matter with Kansas?

Nothing with the people, everything with the politics. It's not a state that likes to see that working people get a break. It all belongs to the Koch brothers and Walmart. I swear we're a wholly owned subsidiary.

The Parent Trap

2011-02-21T11:24:00.000-06:00

Just listened to this week's episode of This American Life, titled "The Parent Trap."

The first story was about a mother sending letters from the grave. Mom died when her daughter was a teenager. Her last task on earth was writing letters to her daughter, letters to be delivered on the daughter's birthday, for 13 years.

The daughter, at first, found the letters comforting, then challenging and then annoying, painful and cramping. The mother, a devout Mormon, wished her daughter to follow the Mormon faith as she did. The daughter could not, would not, did not - and that grieved the daughter a great deal. In the story we hear the daughter ask, "Why did you do this, mother?"

I don't know why, but my heart tells me that maybe it was because of a feeling parents have.

We want to keep our children close to us. We love them and it pains us greatly to part from them, so we do the best we can to hold on to them. It is, of course, hopeless, for our children must grow their own paths in life, must way their own ways.

But we try. The pain of admitting that we can't hold on is just too great for our own souls in our unguarded moments. We try, but we know we will fail to hold tight and our children will wander away.

We want them to go, to grow, and to be independent human beings. But when they are gone it can feel enormously lonely.

Perhaps that's why that mother wrote those letters to her daughter. It was just too painful not to.

If you haven't heard this episode, it's well worth your time. This American Life is a Chicago based program - which is probably why it's so good.

My Attitude Toward Sabbatitude

2011-02-18T21:08:00.000-06:00

I'm at the middle of the first month of the sabbatical. It's been a great half month.

I've gotten two thirds of my paper on The Front Page into a second draft and have a good handle on the Burkean theory that I want to use in the paper. I've gotten enough Greta Granstedt material to update the Wikipedia and, while I don't yet have a whole concept to guide the writing, I have an inkling of a concept - and bought a great Garbo biography to support the work. It arrived today. On the whole I'm actually well ahead of schedule.

But I'm getting nervous.

Today I returned Shelter Box to Marshal Stanton. I was on time and on point for the Abilene Rotary Club presentation. I went to Lee Becker's brother's funeral. It was a Rotary devoted day. I'm glad to have done it all. (Watch for Shelter Box tent at the Midsommar celebration in June.)

Tomorrow we're off to Omaha for two days. I'll take books and my netbook and I'll work on stuff. But it won't be as intense as it would have been if we had stayed home. I won't get a chance to do any editing on Premiere, which is the object of my next weekend trip to California.

And I'm getting nervous about being away from my sabbatical work. Am I just being un-necessarily paranoid about how I tend to give away my time. I don't think so. I have done it time and again. These months need to be "me time." Not selfish I need to relax and do nothing "me time," but the time I get done what I've been thinking about doing for at least two years.

There's one place where I can actually, perhaps, agree with Ayn Rand. There is virtue in selfishness - so long at it gets balanced with selflessness.

Whose Ox is Gored?

2011-02-18T09:04:00.000-06:00

Follow the link to the NY Times blog - which is a pretty poor piece in itself, but does contain this insight:

If you hire people to come and disrupt Congressional "Town Hall" meetings, where the Democratic member is trying to find out what people think, and to correct errors and lies, then you're doing the business of the nation and letting your voice be heard and we ought to listen to you.

But if you support unionized workers, then you're undermining the business of the nation and you ought to switch sides, because everybody knows that unions are the cause of our problems, not big oil taking 140 billion, or big business in Wisconsin getting tax breaks bigger than the budget problem.

Rachel Maddow demonstrated what's going on:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

2011-02-17T22:11:00.002-06:00

There's been a bit of controversy among my friends on Facebook.

My friends on the left (and me too) used some hard language about people on the right -- in particular about the stupidty of the South Dakota legislature for thinking that they could sneak a bill through that amounted to an open season on abortion providers without anyone noticing. The excuses offered by the legislator were so patently ridiculous that no one with a brain could grant them credibility. And I said it. These were stupid, even for a Republican dominated legislature.

I didn't call anyone names. But I am angry about the way that Republicans are gutting the public institutions that have served this country well. I'm angry about the way that teachers have been demonized by Republicans. I'm angry about the way education has been dumbed down by Republicans. I'm angry that Republicans have denied the facts of the case and been allowed to get away with it. The anti-science, anti-labor, anti-education, anti-health, anti-everything attitude of the Republican party is more than frustrating.

The idea that a reasonable and modest tax hike - the kind of tax hike that is applied fairly across the board - will "kill jobs" is ludicrous. The idea that we can give $140 Billion to the oil companies but have to cut Medicare, Medicaid, NPR - is absurd.

But the plea was not to call names.

I'm sorry, but the Progressive Left has given in to those pleas while the Tea Party right and their enablers in the Republican leadership trashed the President, the Health Care bill, sensible energy policy, the Speaker of the House, and on and on it goes.

When the Republican leadership steps up and says, "Anyone who questions the President's status as a native born American is a kook and doesn't deserve to be listened to," I'll start giving Republicans respect. The weak knee'd response from Boehner is a joke. When the Republican leadership stands up and says, "The health care bill isn't socialism, that's a point of view with no relationship to reality. Oh, and by the way, there never were death panels," I might give them some credence.

But the Republicans won't, or can't or believe that this is the way to win power, even if it divides the country, breaks the economy and throws most Americans out of the Middle class. The hate, the villification, the ad hominem attacks, the conspiracy theories have not come from both sides of the political spectrum. It is the right that has the microphones, the power and the money and have been bullying the left, then whining when someone calls as lie a lie, a stupid idea a stupid idea, a liar a liar and a bully a bully.

I'm sorry, but the conservatives in this country have forfeited the moral high ground from which they can call out "be nice, can't we all just get along?" Take a look at Ohio Governor Kasich's attitude toward the cop who gave him a ticket ("He's an idiot," says the Governor.)

We can all get along -- but it can't be just the folks on the left. As soon as Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck conduct themselves in a civil and reasonable fashion, we should treat them with respect.